February 1, 2012

Well folks here I am again back at it. Today was a difficult day. I have been waking up before the birds and for the first time in forever I am staying up and not going back to bed. I have a new ritual every morning. Before I get out of bed I pray and ask God to get me through today. To show me the way. As I said before I have tried so many times before to get my stuff together and haven’t been able to do it so this is why I am calling on the one who has the power to help me….God. For many years I thought asking God for help was a crutch. I’m Jim Oktavec I do not need help. I can do this alone. Sure I would become a new person for about a week but then back to my old ways. I can say with all my heart and conviction that I am on the road to recovery. Recovery from depression and negativity; recovery from all that was bad in my life.

It’s ironic (and I told my wife this) that there were times when I would think if this day ever came it would allow my to get back out and “play the field”; “sow some wild oats”. Go out and party and not give a carp about anything. WRONG! It’s amazing how much you feel and your thought process changes when reality hits you in the face.

Again and again I keep saying I don’t know what the future holds. That is true except for this. God is going to lead me in the right direction. He is with me and I am glad that I finally have come to realize his power.

I have set goals for myself now. Not the goals I set in the past where they were words written on a paper that after I would write them I would forget them. These are goals that are now burned into my heart. Its sort of funny as I have been taking this time to “clean” out the house I have come across the many spiral note books that I would buy to put ideas and goals in. As I started reading them I couldn’t help but laugh to myself. Here were words that I wrote that really didn’t have meaning. They were just words with no real meaning. They were words I wrote to make myself feel good because I thought that if I wrote them they would come true. I laugh but also I am embarrassed because that is how I thought. Maybe in the back of my head these were letters to God that I thought if I wrote them  he would make them come true. I never thought that I would have to actually WORK for what I wanted. Hey, I put my time in I was due. Yeah right! I was due…I’m Jim Oktavec (or Apollo Creed). I could come into the ring dancing and jumping around with loud music and all show. Then when I started to so call fight, I didn’t take it seriously. Why should I, if I put on good show that’s what others wanted to see? That's what I wanted to see.

This morning when I woke up I was angry. Angry with myself; angry that things were not going my way. I hated that feeling. I hated being angry. I asked God to take that anger away. I told him I didn’t want that anger any more. I asked him to be my “middle man.” Someone to go between Gail and me. Someone that would forgive me and asked him to reach into Gail’s heart and ask her to forgive me. At the very least to reach in her heart and let her know that this is the “real deal.” I do have to say within minutes he turned that anger into passion. Passion to get up and take on the day. Passion to do things that needed to be taken care of. I felt as though he did forgive me.

Writing this blog is a healing process for me. I am not writing them for you to read and feel sorry for me and take a side or get attention. I am writing them to put my thoughts out into the universe. I want more than anything for my life to be restored. Not back to how it was, but to a new place. A place I have never been. A place where I take responsibility for me. I know in my heart that this needed to happen. As much as I hate saying it I finally realized it when I was talking to my daughter today. She said those words and they finally sunk in. As much as those words hurt I finally understand them. This HAD to happen. For me.

Isn't it ironic (thanks Alanis) that when you are in a certain point in your life that EVERYTHING seems to pertain to you. Every song you hear; every movie; every phrase someone says hits home in some way shape or form. The other day I was in the kitchen with my daughter and all I could think was “this is a movie.” I was outside of my body looking at this series of events play out right in front of me. I have never felt that before. For a minute I thought to myself was I having a heart attack and actually seeing this movie play out in front of me. Obviously that wasn’t the case. It was God picking me up and showing me what was going on from the outside. It was a feeling that I had never felt before.

WOW is all I can say right now. I just got a phone call and I didn’t recognize the number so I let it go to voice mail. I thought another bill collector. Then I thought that’s the old Jim looking at the negative. So I went to answer it but it was too late. Could this have been a job opportunity? Could it be Gail calling me from a work line instead of her cell? As soon as I received a “ding” that I had a voicemail I jumped on it. As I listened it was none of the above. It was a man from Lakewood Church. He had received one of my emails and wanted to talk. His name was Craig and he wanted to help. He wanted to talk to me about my life? We talked for a while and what he was saying hit home. It is AMAZING how God puts people in your life. Now I know that some of you who know me may be reading this (no I am not talking to you Gail, okay maybe you too) and say has Jim gone off the deep end? Is this just another one of Jim’s strategic plays to make people think he has changed. For the first time in my life I can honestly say no. This is who I am becoming. Why? Because it feels good and it feels right. I have been many different people in my life. A Psychiatrists dream patient! I have never accepted God as an adult. Now that I have he is showing me that he does exist and that he can help. Craig who doesn’t know me from Adam (get the biblical reference there J) invited me to Lakewood Church tonight. Something that in the past I would have thought, “well that’s gay” (not that there is anything wrong with that). Not gay in the gay way but gay as in gay. You know the teenager “gay way”.  Why am I going? Because God put this man in my life.  One of my mis-steps was never trying anything new because I feared something new. I feared change. I wasn’t comfortable out of my comfort zone. Who is? Well right now I do not have a comfort zone so what do I have to lose. Hey maybe I might enjoy it. Strike that! I will enjoy it! I am going with an open mind and an open heart. Are these just words? YES! But words that I actually believe in.

So is this newfound glory of mine going to prove to Gail that I have changed? I can honestly say without a doubt, absolutely not! She has heard and seen this song and dance before. But it is a new step for me. Taking the initiative getting out of my comfort zone and doing something on my own.  Something by myself. I see it as a step to recovery from the past. Am I going to be perfect? Not a chance. Am I going to do everything I can to be perfect? Absolutely. It is funny that now I have “motivational” notes all throughout the house. One of them says “try something new.” I have begun to put check marks on it every time I try something new kind of like how college football players get stickers on their helmets for good plays. Hey maybe I will get a football helmet and put stickers on it every time I try something new…There’s the creative Jim I’ve been looking for.

As I take this journey to find myself I cant help but look at my actions lately. The way I see things differently. Today I noticed a bird flying through the air and it was one the most beautiful things I have seen in forever. It was just a bird but it was free. It was graceful. It was full of life. It was going somewhere. It had a purpose. I thanked God for putting that bird in my life. For realizing it’s not just a bird. God is a whacked out being. He does some pretty amazing stuff. I am glad that my eyes are finally open to see them. I am glad that I am one this journey of self-awareness. This journey of Jim.

Before I had said to myself over and over again and to others at nausea “why didn’t this happen before; before all of this happen.” I can honestly with all of my heart that I wasn’t ready. It wasn’t time. I didn’t want to accept who I was. I have accepted who I was. Am I not proud of whom I was? Some aspects yes. Others, no…I was like Benjamin Button growing in reverse. I was dying inside but now I am alive and full of life. There were times that I wanted to get sick. I wanted people to feel sorry for me. DON’T! Feel happy for me because I am embarking on this journey of Jim. As I said before I am scared beyond belief. But as someone who is so near and dear to my heart once said….”There is nothing wrong with being scared…. Being scared can be a good thing.”

Do I want to spend the rest of my life with Gail? With all of my heart, soul and everything I have. Does she? I do not know the answer to that. Time will tell. In 6 months from now will we be back together? I have no idea. Maybe 6 months will not be enough time. Maybe we will both need more time. And I say this as not just words but as feelings. I need to get myself back on track. I need to start dating again. Dating this girl I have recently had my eye on. I’ve seen her before but only in passing and I haven’t seen her in a while. I hope she thinks that I’m cute!

I would like to leave you with something that has gotten me through the last few weeks. It rings true to me every word. Maybe not how it was written but my interpretation. Listen to it a few times and really listen to it. Also watch the video then read the lyrics while listening

There is one line in the song that I have written down and I keep it with me. I pull it out when I need it.

“I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself”

Love,

Jim

I Refuse
Artist: Josh Wilson
Album: See You

Sometimes I, I just want to close my eyes
And act like everyone's alright when I know they're not
This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch
I can say a prayer and just move on like nothing's wrong
But I refuse

'Cause I don't want to live like I don't care
I don't want to say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God has called me to do myself
I could choose not to move
But I refuse

I can hear the least of these crying out so desperately
And I know we are the hands and feet of You, oh God
So if You say move it's time for me to follow through
And do what I was made to do and show them who You are
To stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for help

I refuse
To turn my back and try and act like all is well
I refuse
To stay unchanged, to wait another day, to die to myself
I refuse
To make one more excuse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B1Lv8k5pEc&feature=artist