“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” ~ Mother Teresa

Today was an odd day, odd in the fact that when I woke up I had no emotion. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy I was numb. I lay there doing my morning meditation and prayer asking God to give me strength today and courage to continue my journey. I asked him to direct me on my path. As I got out of bed I felt robotic. I had nothing in my mind, it was clear. I was just going through the motions. Today was Friday, which meant for me it was cleaning day and laundry day. I grabbed the dirty clothes; tossed them in the washing machine and with bucket in hand I started. Again I was emotionless, very robotic which may have been a good thing. For once I had no ideas, strategies, or emotions. Part of me was a little scared. Could I be burying my emotions deep down so that one-day when I least expect it they come out and explode? I have been down that road before and it was a dark and desolate road that I didn’t want to ever return to. As I was cleaning the mirror I didn’t even see myself. I was there but I wasn’t. I tried asking God what was going on but I couldn’t even form a thought.

As I was heading out to get the mail (something that I dread, not because of bills, but I am scared to death that a letter from an “attorney” could be in there. Although I do my wife well enough that she would warn me before that). As I was coming back to the house there was a young dad walking his son home from school with a little dog. I am guessing his son was in first grade maybe second. As they walked past I did the “neighborly hi” and I listened to what they were talking about. They were going over spelling words. The father would say “blue” and the little boy would say B-L-U-E and the father would say awesome. Next, green and so on. At that moment I felt an amazing feeling of appreciation. That one little moment jump-started my mind. I started thinking of things that I appreciate.

I got back to the laundry and I was taking the clothes out of the dryer and  I started thinking again. I appreciate the fact that I can take clothes out of the dryer and fold them. So many times we look at things as “work” or something tedious. I began to exercise my mind as to why I appreciated the fact that I was taking clothes out of a dryer and folding them and this is what I came up with:

I have a washer and dryer at home that allows me to wash and dry clothes

I have a house and roof over my head where the washer and dryer are located

I have water that allows me to wash clothes in my own home

I have detergent that allows me to wash clothes in my own home

I have clothes on my back that I can wash and dry in my own home

I have electricity in my home that allows me to wash and dry clothes in my home

And so on. As I continued my day I looked around at everything and went through the same exercise. Take one thing and watch it snowball into a few, then into many then into hundreds of things you appreciate. Small things. Appreciating small things turns into appreciating ALL things.

This morning I had received a text message from Gail asking me how my job interview went yesterday. I answered and thought nothing of it. When I read it I had no emotion, just a response. Then as I was looking at things to appreciating, I thought about that text. I appreciated that I received a text from Gail. I appreciated that she reached out to see how it went. I appreciated the fact that it was a text from her. I appreciated her response. Then it started snowballing again in many different directions on how that one text made me appreciate so many things.

Appreciation used to be just word that had no real meaning, feeling or emotion until recently.

Today I was on the phone with my daughter talking about appreciation. She keeps wanting to give me money for groceries and I keep telling her no. She always asks me why and I tell her because I need to do this on my own. Today was different, she asked me again if she could give me money and again I said no. Again she asked WHY NOT. I told her that if you gave me money I wouldn’t appreciate it. She didn’t understand so I explained it to her. I told her that I have been keeping the heat off so we wouldn’t run up a huge electric bill (now before you think oh my he must be freezing…. come on it’s Texas, 50 is freezing to me now). She said you need heat, I said not really. Rachel and I are wearing hoodies and if it gets too cold we put on an extra pair of socks and Rachel wears glove, gloves with the fingers cut out so I think it is more of a fashion statement anyway.  I told her when I come through this on the other side I will appreciate the fact that I can turn the heat on and not have to worry. I will appreciate the job I have that allows me to pay my bills. I will not look at it as a job but an opportunity, which allows me to live a comfortable life. I will appreciate the fact that I will be going out and making money. Making money where there is no limit. By appreciating my job as an opportunity it will allow me to enjoy what I am doing and it will allow me to wake up every morning wanting to go to work. I think she understood.

It is a long journey and every day I am thankful for my friends, family and God for guiding me, showing me paths, kind words and prayer. I am forever grateful for all of you being in my life.

I would like to ask you if you could pray for us. Pray that God shows Gail that I am changing and becoming a person again. Pray that God shows her, her path as he is showing me mine. Pray that God fills her heart with joy, happiness and strength. Pray that she will see that I love her as I love God.

Love,

Jim