Today like every other day in the last two weeks I woke up before the birds. As I lay in bed waiting for the sun to come up I thought to myself do I really need to get out of bed today? Do I REALLY need to go to church today? I mean I have been to church twice this week.  Am I over doing it? Is God saying to me “all right Jim I get it you are just going to the extreme again.” Then I said to myself, get up and get today over with. Nope that wasn’t the right answer. I laid there some more and asked God to give me a push. So the day began. As much as I didn’t want it to begin it did. The pain that I thought was slowly going away was there in full force. Only now it was down in my stomach, deep in the pit of my stomach. I didn’t sleep well because my dreams were all centered on Gail. Each time I would wake up and fall back asleep I would wake up again. Every time I would wake up I would think, “is this all a dream”, then I would roll over and no Gail. God how long is this going to take I kept thinking.  I kept wondering if she was sleeping okay? How was she feeling? When will this nightmare be over? God give me answers is all I kept thinking and saying to myself.

So there I was brushing my teeth looking in the mirror thinking to myself is this hair ever going to grow in? Why is it taking so long? Why is everything in slow motion?

I got dressed got in the car and off to church I went. I really wasn’t there mentally but I had to press on. Keep on keeping on someone once said. So there I was driving to church hitting every red light and getting behind every slow driver. Finally I was there. It seems like days before I got to the door, again everything in slow motion. As I was sitting there I was somewhere else. My mind was wondering in 18 different directions. When was I going to hear back on those interviews and resumes I sent out? When was the pain going to stop? When, when, when? As the pastor was speaking all I could think was when is going to finish?

After church I had to stop at Wal-Mart and on the way there I hit every red light. Once I got in there I tried to grabbed a cart as 17 other people stood there looking at the carts as if they were newborns in a hospital nursery. There I was pushing that cart with the wobble wheel getting behind every slow person. Come on I kept saying could this day just be over? So when I got in line I found one with two people in it. Jackpot my luck is turning around. Then, as if on cue, as I pulled my cart up, the cashier flipped the switch to make her lane number sign blink. REALLY???? As I looked around every other lane was about 10 deep. I looked up to the ceiling and said WHAT?  WHAT do you want from me? Can’t this day just be over.

Finally there I was at the register with my 2 items and out I went. On the way I received a text message from my daughter asking if she could drop off Senor Poopie Pants for a few hours so she could run some errands (I knew she could take him on errands but she knows I love him and being with him, so this was a good thing). She dropped him off and we did our thing. We played, made a sock puppet, ate lunch, played, watched TV, and took a nap. Then as any two year olds do he started getting cranky. Then more and more cranky. MORE and MORE cranky and it started wearing on me. As much as I love him it started to get to me. Once again I looked up and said REALLY. Finally I got him settled down and it was time for him to go. For some reason it hurt more than ever when he left.

After he left all I could think about was when will this day be over? This house is so empty; it is so quiet, it is a lonely place. My daughter is at work until 11 tonight. That seems so far off. I didn’t feel like calling anyone because it is Superbowl Sunday and people are really into the game. Should I just go to bed and maybe tomorrow will be better. Should I write a blog, after all it does seem to help.

Well the choice was obvious because here I sit writing this blog trying to form thoughts. I turned on the Superbowl and there were 17 seconds left in the game; 17 L O N G seconds.  Tick, tick, tick. 17 seconds! 17 seconds! 17 seconds! Why is everything taking so long today? When will this game, when will this day, when will this pain end?

I looked up and said REALLY? He responded

PATIENCE

So I went online and goggled “bible verses about patience” (I did this because I am a beginner). I couldn’t find any bible verses that hit home or were comforting. Then I saw this

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience – Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Ralph Waldo Emerson isn’t in the bible but this quote came across when I goggled bible verses about patience. “Not everything is found in the bible” a voice inside my head said. “The bible is great but open your eyes to other things as well. The bible is a guide book” the voice continued. (I really hope that voice is God’s because if it is not I am going to get a one-way ticket to the looney tunes hotel)

This is a tough road. I have bad days then I have days that I feel confident that this is the best thing that could have happen to me. Everyday I am learning more and more about myself that I never knew before.

Thank you again for all of your kind words, prayers and messages of hope and faith. You have no idea how much they mean to me and how comforting they are.

Love,

Jim