Yesterday was a very bad day for me both emotionally and spiritually. I was in a very bad and dark place. It was a scary place, a place I NEVER want to visit. I honestly think that emotionally I was in hell.

Yesterday’s blog was written from a very dark place. I was going to delete it but decided not to because if you do not appreciate someone and just tell them you love them like you are saying “I’m taking out the trash”, with no meaning and no heart, this is how you will feel.

Last night I got knocked down and knocked down hard. I kept getting up and every time I did I got knocked down; after each round I kept going back to my corner and asking my coach and teacher to show me what to do. What am I doing wrong. I have faith but you are not helping me. He kept pushing me back in and said, “fight”, but all I was doing was getting beat up. Every time I went back to my corner I asked “what am I doing wrong” and he kept pushing me back and said, “fight.” Again and again I kept getting knocked down. I kept telling myself I cant stop this fight but it is starting to hurt more and more and I do not know how much I can take. I have to fight; I can’t get knocked out. No matter what, I can’t get knocked out. No matter how much pain I was receiving I have to stay in this fight. This is a fight that I NEED to win and I cannot stop no matter what. My eyes were swollen shut and I was fighting blind, so I thought. Quitting was not an option. But after what seemed to be thousands of rounds I started to go back to my corner to ask my coach and teacher to throw in the towel. But all he kept saying was “fight”; “fight like you have never fought before.” I went back in and got knocked down. This time it was hard and I just want to stay down; I was exhausted. I couldn’t move a muscle; I was down for the count. I looked over to my corner and I heard the following words coming from my corner, “Get up and fight! I don’t coach quitters, I train winners.” For the first time in a long time I got up and as much as it hurt and as weak as I was, I kept fighting.

Last night I went into my room, lay on the bed, turned off all the lights and prayed. Prayed for hours. All I kept saying is take me Lord I am yours. Do what you will with me. I know I have been away but I am giving myself to you. I did this for hours, over and over again. Then once again I prayed that he would reach into Gail’s heart to show her the way and to forgive me and show her that I am a changed man.

I woke up this morning and felt as though I had been in a 30 round fight. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I did not want to get out of bed. I was still in a dark place but not as dark as the night before. I stayed in bed and prayed. Finally I got up and went about my day the best I could. I felt as though I was holding my heart in my hand and watching it beat ever so slowly.

I was driving to a friend’s house to talk and get advice. As I was going there I was listening to the radio and it seemed every song was talking to me. Many of the words were coming out of the speakers but not many were sticking. However a few lyrics from various songs DID stick.

“Don’t Put off showing someone you love them”

“Don’t want to look back and wonder”

“Everyday is a day to start over, why wait for tomorrow”

“Life is not a snap-shot, look at the big picture”.

As the day progressed slowly things started coming to my mind from what I heard in church yesterday. The words and phrases were starting to come together.

“See it happening and Protect your vision”. What this meant is to stay focused on what you are going after. You WILL have doubt and YOU will see things in your mind that is not how they really are. Do not let your mind run wild. Stay on course and focused and stay with God to visualize it. See it as God sees it.  See it over and over in your mind, never let go and do not get distracted from that vision.

I also wrote down Proverbs 29:18. Why I am not sure but I remember it being quoted. I didn’t really hear it until I got home and looked it up last night.

Proverbs 29:18

 ¹⁸Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

As the day went on I continued roaming around looking for things to do. Finding things to keep me busy. As I was roaming around I received some very encouraging news about someone I care deeply about. It was amazing! My prayers were in fact answered. I fell to my knees and thanked God and cried tears of joy. It was incredible. I still have a long way to go and I am not sure if they will work out the way I want the, to but these were the greatest I have heard spoken since I heard the words “I Do” from my wife. It was an amazing sign from God that although things may not be how I NEED them, they are how I want them to move forward.

FIGHT, FAITH and HOPE are three words that are ingrained into my heart and soul forever. I am not perfect and I may stumble but God showed me today that there is Hope if I have Faith and keep Fighting.

Thank you all for your non-stop prayers, for fighting this fight with me and for praying. I am forever thankful and cherish every moment. Thank You

Please continue to pray that God reaches into Gail’s heart to show her the way and to show her I am changing with Gods guidance, something I have never done before and that one day the pain she is feeling now is replaced with God’s eternal love.

Love,

Jim