Today was an extremely hard day to get out of bed and commence with my day. I t was a dark rainy gloomy morning.  I asked God to help me. To help me to get up and take on the day. As I lay there wondering what today will bring I felt as though God did speak to me. He said “without rain nothing will grow…. without a storm there will be no calm.” Was this God speaking to me? I am guessing it was because I would have never thought of that myself.

As I was brushing my teeth in a silent house I was looking at myself in the mirror. I didn’t notice the person who was looking back at me. The person who was looking back at me was a sad man. But one thing struck me, the word man. I was becoming a man. How did I know this? Because I was out of bed, early, before the birds. I was feeling a sense of purpose. I was feeling that I had an obligation to myself, to go out and be someone.

As I was walking to my dresser visions of the past were looking back at me. Pictures of my wife and me. One picture in particular hit me. It was a picture taken of us when we were first dating. It hit me hard. I felt the tears streaming down my cheeks. Not because o that was a happier time, but because I saw the joy and happiness in my wife’s face. Something that I missed. Something that I had not really noticed since that picture was taken. As I wiped away the tears I asked God to give me the strength and guidance to be able to be a person that she would want to be with to make that joy come back in her face. I can truly say with all my heart that I can now. Once again because I have a secret weapon - GOD.  God has shown me places in my heart that I never thought existed.

It was time to take on the day. It was hard. I prayed for strength and confidence that I could take on the next hour. From there the next hour and the next. I ask God to give me strength each hour. To guide me; to show me. To push me.

I grabbed my bucket and began to clean. As I was cleaning I never really realized what my wife meant when she said “I love the smell of a clean house.” Thank you Pine Sol. As I was cleaning I thought to myself “anyone can clean…it doesn’t take a genius to clean….” Of course not. Just cleaning is not the answer. It’s taking the responsibility to do it. It is putting your own selfishness of sitting on the couch aside and taking responsibility. Taking responsibilities for yourself and not waiting for someone else to do it. Will cleaning the house save my marriage? Of course not but it’s a start. A start of me taking responsibility of myself. I never was on my own and never had to take on the responsibility of certain things like laundry, cleaning, dishes, cooking etc. Don’t get me wrong I did it a few times, very few…. I always had someone there to take care of the “little things.” Things like the bills, making sure my favorite salad dressing was always there for me. The “little things” like making sure my clothes were ironed, washed and put away. As I was walking into the bedroom to get hangers for the laundry I was about to take out of the dryer I remembered how I used to get annoyed at my wife when she would keep asking me to bring hangers into the kitchen so she could hang up my clothes. What was the big deal, you washed the clothes why couldn’t you make sure there were hangers there before. You are in charge of the laundry.  To me now that statement is the definition of being selfish. I am surprised she continued doing the laundry at all. Continually asking me only for her request to fall on deaf ears. Yeah…I’ll get them. I know it sounds little but again these are the “little things” that I keep remembering. These “little things” are the things that are helping me to grow-up.

One of the hardest things I am dealing with right now is not picking up my phone to text my wife or call her. Every time I hear a siren I want to pick up the phone and ask her if she is okay. The hardest part of this separation is giving my wife her space. Part of me is so afraid that she WILL realize that she is happier without Jim. But that Jim who was here when she left isn’t the same Jim that is typing this today. However those are just words on a paper. I ask God that he touches her heart and shows her that I am changing. I am not that negative person. I also ask God that he touches Gail’s heart to show her that person who she became isn’t the real Gail. I ask God if he can show her the path that he is showing me. And I ask all of you reading this to do the same.

Right now my path is a road made of stones. I keep stumbling and tripping. Sometimes I fall down and it hurts. Ahead I can see a smoother path. I am thankful that I see that because before I could never see what was ahead. It’s far away but I know with Gods help that I will make it. I will get to the smoother path.

Yesterday  I was reading and something came over me. A feeling of sadness. Not the sadness I have been feeling but a different kind of sadness; I dug deep to find out what it was. I asked God to tell me what this feeling was. Then it spoke to me. The word APOLOGY came into my mind. Apology? To Gail? I apologized to her over and over again. Plus I couldn’t text her or call her. One, she wants her space and two those words of “I am sorry” she has heard over and over again. Why was the word APOLOGY in my head. Who was I supposed to apologize to? Then as I was reading a story online about Facebook going public or something like that it hit me. Jim, you need to apologize to those who you have been negative and hurtful to with your words ON Facebook. Right away two people came to mind. I stopped what I was doing and began to write an apology to both of these people. One I apologized for posting negative things on his posts. Not because I disagreed with him but because I did it out of spite. I did it to be mean. I did it because I was an angry person and wanted the world to know that I was angry. The second was the wife of a friend of mine. Every post she put up was how wonderful her husband was. How much she loved him. How much he meant to her. How they were happy together walking with God. I hated reading them. Why? Because I was jealous. I hated that someone else was happy and I wasn’t. And God? Please! Yeah God really made you happy. I would look at her posts and get angry. I thought I was getting angry with her but I realized I was angry with myself because I couldn’t have that feeling of love. I had hatred in my heart (WOW that really feels good to come out and admit that). I wrote to both explaining why I was apologizing and asked them to forgive me. The sadness that I was feeling was that of how I made one of those individuals feel with my words. Those words of negativity, jealousy, spite and hate, feelings that as I type the words jealousy, spite and hate I am embarrassed and shameful.

This journey has taught me something. Survival. I have to move forward. I have to. As I was changing the laundry my daughter Rachel came into the kitchen (yes our washer and dryer is in the kitchen…. weird I know but I am going to change that) and said to me Dad, I am proud of you. I asked her why. She said, “Because you are trying dad.” She tells me that everyday. Those words resonate through my mind everyday. I AM TRYING!  I will not stop trying no matter what is in front of me. I used to be the type of person who would go around something that was in front of me. Now instead I go through it! I plant both feet and take it head on. Something I never did before because I was afraid. Don’t get me wrong, I am still afraid. I am even MORE afraid now than ever. But the one thing I have that I didn’t have before is God.

The other day I was in my backyard looking up to the sky asking God for guidance. My neighbor kids were outside playing. I heard the dad say “honey go swing”, the little girl replied “but daddy I don’t know how to swing”, the dad responded “that’s okay I will show you.” I would have NEVER paid attention to that before. To me it was just a little girl whining. This day was different. I heard those words and thought to myself that is me. I am the little girl. I don’t know how to swing, but God said to me “that’s okay I will show you.” Do yourself a favor and ask God to show you how to swing. Trust me he will. And be ready because he will push you higher than you ever imagined.

With every word that I write, I pray that one thing I write will help someone. Help someone who may be going through some type of pain, some type of journey of their own.

Thank you again for all of your messages of hope, faith and prayers. I cherish them everyday.

Today, I ask one thing from everyone who is reading this. Go out of your way today to bring a smile to someone’s face.

I’ve got a lot of learning to do but I have the best teacher around.

Keep your eyes on the prize!

Love,

Jim