Yesterday I saw Gail for the first time in a while. She had to stop at the house to pick something up. When I got the text asking if it would be okay if she stopped by I got excited and felt like a teenager getting ready for prom. When she walked through the door my heart skipped a beat. Something I hadn’t felt in quite sometime. She looked as beautiful as the day I first saw her. You could say she rocked my world at that very moment. It was great to see her. We actually had a very civil conversation, again something we hadn’t done in a while. When she left we hugged and I asked her to text me when she got back to my daughters so I know she got home safe. I got the text and was happy that she was there safe.

After she left I continued my job search. There has been a company that I have been trying to get an interview with for a couple of weeks, I had an initial meeting but was told that they didn’t have anything at the time and that they just hired two people about a week ago. I leaned forward and said, “Well it looks like you have to hire a third.” I guess that made an impact because the person I was talking to said “let me see if I can set you up with one of the managers her.” A day passed and I hadn’t heard anything, so I left a few voicemails and sent several emails but still nothing. A week or so passed and I continued sending emails pleading my case as to why they should hire me along with ideas. So after sending my last email it was time for bed.  As I went through my prayers I finally said to God, I am all yours…I trust that you have a plan for me so I will follow it and in the words of Del Griffith from Planes, trains and Automobiles…”I go with the flow like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty river.”

This morning I woke up, said my morning prayers and meditated. When I was finished I actually felt really good. I felt a sense of purpose and a sense of change. As always I checked my phone for messages, texts etc (of course hoping that there would be one from Gail…. okay give me a break I can hope can’t I, I am very new at this so one can hope right?) So as I was checking my emails there it was….”Good Morning Jim, could you be available at 2pm tomorrow”…It was an email from the person I was emailing to get an interview, an interview where they really didn’t have an opening. WOW is all I could say, then of course I looked up and out it came…. Thanks!

The morning was looking pretty good. I felt a sense of relief along with a carefree attitude; the attitude of it’s out of my hands now so just point me in the right direction. I decided to do something I had never done in my life, BAKE. Yes I said BAKE…well kind of bake. The night before I saw brownie mix in the closet and thought I might give that a try in the morning. So there I was, a box of brownie mix, an egg, water, corn oil and a pan. The directions called for an 8x8 pan so I had to go into the garage to get my measuring tape. Perfect, I found an 8x8 pan and I was on my way. I read the directions on the box, something that I often forget to do when I am about to take on a task but I wanted to get this right. There I was mixing and pouring, look out Rachel Ray there is a new sheriff in town. Wait I said I woke up confidant not cocky, bring it down a notch mister. So after pre-heating the oven in they went.

As I was waiting for the brownies to cook I decided to write some more. I like writing because it softens the blow for me. I began to write starting with the first day I met Gail. As I was writing I decided to just let go and write about everything (well almost everything, come on I am now a Christian I have to keep it PG). Anyway I started writing about me. Writing about our first meeting, my jobs, our marriage, the birth of our first daughter, then the second…. Writing about bouncing around the country chasing that radio dream of being a program director. As I was writing I noticed certain patterns in my life, certain patterns in my behavior and what fueled my behavior. I stopped for a few minutes to take the brownies out…MMM they looked really good but they were specifically made for my daughter and my wife. I was taking them over there tonight when I picked my daughter up for church. Plus my wife loves chocolate (what woman doesn’t). At first I made them because I thought my wife would see that I am really trying to change. But once I took them out I realized I baked these brownies for me. I had done something that I have never done before let alone consider doing. As they cooled I went back to writing, covering years and years and years of my life. As I looked at the clock I noticed that four hours had passed and it was getting close to the time to pick up my daughter for church. As I was winding down my writing I got a text. This time I didn’t rush to it because I was focused on my writing. After I finished my thought I looked and there I saw a text from Gail. It seemed as though the letters were 6 feet tall. “Can I come by the house quickly to get something”…(quickly is her code for “I am stopping in and I really don’t want to talk about our relationship”. Hey at least I learned something from the person I have spent the last 25 years of my life with). Once again I looked up and said “thank you and can you make sure I don’t say anything stupid.” As I was finishing up my last few thoughts writing I heard the door open and at first I thought it was my daughter. I said “Rachel do you need help bringing in”…then I heard her voice, nope, it’s me Gail. That voice went straight to my heart in a good way. WOW she got here fast. She was in a hurry because her car was in the shop and it was ready to be picked up and she had to get there before it closed. As she was looking for what she came for I pointed to the counter where my masterpiece of baked goods sat. I said that’s for you and Jackie. I was going to bring it by tonight when I picked Jackie up for church but you can take it now. She looked at it and said, “Are those brownies” and with all the confidence in the world I said yes and I baked them myself. I think I caught and little facial nudge as if she was taken back for a second almost to say, “did he really just say that he made them himself.” So as she was leaving we did a quick hug, you know the kind of hug you used to give your aunt when she would come over, quick and you were done. You know when you were 12 and it was awkward. But hey it was a hug. I decided to walk out with her and said “after I get this job tomorrow, I want to take you out for lunch for your birthday since I screwed that all up” (her birthday was Jan 11^th…long story there and maybe I will share it someday, but just let it be know that I screwed it up). She hesitated but I said listen this isn’t going to be a “secret way” of trying to fix our relationship or some way of me trying to talk to you about our relationship, it just lunch. It’s a lunch I own you for screwing up your birthday lunch. She smirked and walked out to her rental that was a huge pick up and she said look at this as she tried to climb up into the cab. We both got a laugh. I asked her to let me know how the brownies were after she tried them and of course the Gail that I fell in love with replied “you didn’t put anything in them did you?” I said of course not I’m not Scott Peterson. She replied so “Gabriel could eat them too”…. Of Course he can I said. Then as she was starting the truck I said, think about that lunch and she said call me and we will talk about it. As she pulled away I looked up once again and said thank you and thank you for not letting me say anything stupid.

I got myself together and headed off to my daughters to pick her up for our Wednesday night out at Lakewood Church. As we were driving I did what any father would do going through a separation and started asking questions about “mom” but then something said don’t. So after 30 minutes of intense questioning (no I am kidding) it was only about 5 minutes of “general questions” I stopped.

Pastor Ray McCauley from South Africa was the guest speaker this evening and it seemed everything he was saying was pointed right at me. Every now and then my daughter would nudge me and give me a raised eyebrow as if to say, “Are you listening.”

I took away a lot of things and would like to share a few with you. Some are just statements but I felt they were something that may help so here goes.

“If you didn’t have to go through struggles for something, if God just waved a magic wand to fix you’re life you wouldn’t appreciate it.”

“If you wake up and it’s raining and you cannot see the sun, it’s still there isn’t it”?

“92% of what we fear never happens so why live in fear”

“Respond don’t react”

“Gods grace is the ability to receive from God what you don’t deserve”

“Courage will replace regret”

“Wake up every day with courage”

And finally he told a story that I hope will translate in words as well as it was spoken.

Little Charlie came home from school one day and was troubled. His father asked him what was the problem. Little Charlie said that every day at lunch a bully comes up to me and tells me if I don’t give him my sandwich he will beat me up. The father said what do you do and Little Charlie answered I give it to him. His father said Charlie when that boy comes up to you tomorrow and tells you he is going to beat you up if you don’t give him your sandwich I want you to punch him right in the face. So the next day at lunch the bully came up to Little Charlie and said give me your sandwich or I will beat you up. Little Charlie drew a line in the sand with his foot and said you have to cross this line first. So the bully stepped over the line and Little Charlie drew another and another and another. The point of the story is that eventually you have to stop drawing lines in the sand and face your problems with courage.

Well that is all for today and as always I would like to ask for you to keep Gail in your prayers. Pray that she finds her happiness and who she is. Pray that God reaches in her heart and forgives me for my past mistakes and see that I am a work in progress and that I am in fact changing and will NEVER go back to the old ways because I have God walking with me showing me the way.

Love,

Jim