Romans 8:24-25 For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with endurance.

To desire with expectation of obtainment. This is how the dictionary defines hope.

As I read each of these I started to dissect each definition. What is hope? Where can I get hope? How long do I have to hope for? These questions come to mind my every second.

Motivate - incite; impel

Hope and Motivation are two words that I am getting very familiar with, every second of every day I pray for these two things. I ask God to give me hope and motivation to get through the day. Both of these actions are two of the hardest actions to do on a daily basis. I have learned that without hope there is no motivation and without motivation there is no hope. Hope is what is keeping me motivated to get up every morning and take on the day, to look for new ways to better myself as a person. Motivation is what is fueling my hope. It is a vicious circle in many ways. It is exhausting both mentally and physically. What I mean is that it would be so easy to give up, throw my hands in the air and say, “I’m done.” That is what the old Jim would have done. Given up, tossed in the towel and sit and wait for something to fall into my lap. After many years of experience with that philosophy I have learned the hard way that even though it may be a convenient answer at the time in the long run it will kill you.

Yes it is a struggle every second to hope and have faith in something that I cannot see. To trust that there is a reason for my despair. Each day I ask myself what if and is this battle worth it? It would be so much easier to do nothing wouldn’t it? Sooner or later my luck will change right? Then I think to myself wasn’t that how you always did things? How did that work out for you?

Yes this battle is worth it! This struggle is worth it! Why? Because if I didn’t have this battle, the struggle, this emptiness I wouldn’t be changing. You have to die first before you can change. Just like a caterpillar. A caterpillar has to die first before it can emerge into something new, beautiful and totally different.

I want more than anything to change, to be a new person, to be one with Gail and live happily ever after. But the harsh reality of it is that just wanting something will not get results. Prayer, being one with God and taking the bull by the horns and motivating myself to become a new person is what will get me the results I desire.

Everyday I am changing and it scares me. But as someone I love told me again and again “being scared and change is good, it makes you stronger.” For me now fear that I may lose the person I love, respect and cherish the most motivates me. Motivates me to continue this battle because it is worth every second of every moment that I fight it. Hope motivates me that I can have a new beginning with the person I love and cherish with all my heart. Hope is what I hold on to that one day the person who I truly love with every part of my heart will find her way in life; find her happiness and the person who God made her to be.

Thank you all for your friendship, kind words and prayers through this journey of mine. I could not have the hope and motivation without God and YOU.

I ask that you please pray for Gail that she finds what she is looking for. That she finds happiness, comfort, trust and the warmth of Gods love. That God reaches into her heart and shows her that I am becoming a changed person and that I will forever love and treat her as I treat God.

Love,

Jim