This is going to be my final blog for a while. I do not know how long but I am going to head out and find myself.

I will be going with the God and I am trusting in him that he will show me the way.

Thank you all for being there and supporting me through this journey. My goal now is to become the person that God wants me to be.

Take Care

Psalm 27:14

Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord

Love,

Jim

Write right?

Well today everything came to a close. My wife and I are getting divorced. I am not sure how I feel because it hasn’t sunk in yet. Or maybe it has and I am dealing with it. I do not know because I have never had to deal with this before.

The one thing I can say is that in an odd way I feel closer to her now than I have been in a long time. I feel like I just lost a wife but gained a new friend.

It was a long road but now I have closure on this chapter of my life. Now it is time for me to write a new chapter.

I’ll be honest with you I do not know what to write. I feel like I am just typing babble and it just may be.

Right now I am going to sleep on this and ask God to lead me on a new path. It is all I can do now.

I do know that I have made myself right with God, now I have to make myself right with me.

At first it WILL be a lonely journey but you have to be alone to find yourself.

I can honestly say that I hold no animosity toward Gail at all. It was something that needed to happen for the both of us. I am just looking forward to my new friendship with her now that the pressure is off both of us.

Thank you all for being there for us with your prayers. I know God has something planned for me and I WILL see the light at the end of the tunnel. I see a flicker but eventually I will get to it.

This journey is NOT over by any means. Sure I am sure that there will be times that I will want to give up but I can’t.

I have a few things I want to accomplish before I leave this earth and this may just be the kick in the groin that I need to do it.

I will not be reading this over to proof so I hope that it makes sense.

I would like to still ask that you keep both Gail and I in your prayers and we take our different paths now.

Love,

Jim

Music as an inspiration

Throughout my journey I have learned many things. I always knew that music was an inspiration and that music always seemed to comfort me when I needed it. It inspired me when I needed motivation. Something I didn’t know was how a specific type of music would inspire me more than I ever imagined. This was music that I wouldn’t ever consider listening to because I didn’t think it had any substance or it was preachy. I thought that until I turned on a local Christian station a few weeks ago. As I was tuning it in I didn’t know what to expect. Was it going to be filled with spiritual gospel hymns, old gospel music that would be crackling as it came out of the speakers? I finally tuned it in as I was driving back from the store shortly after my wife and I separated. At that point I was searching for something positive, something that would help me on my journey. I really didn’t know what to expect. I just wanted something to inspire me and make the hurt, pain and tears go away. I was grasping for anything that would offer some sort of comfort.

The first song I heard was a song by Josh Wilson called “I Refuse.” I will remember this song forever for many reasons. One it was there when I needed comfort and second the lyrics were extremely powerful. It made me think that no matter how bad I feel there is always someone out there who is worse and that it was up to me to change things. Change the way I look at things, change how I look at others, and to do something for others. I was no longer going to sit around and wait to do something that God has called me to do.

Since then I have not turned the dial or my TV from Sirius “The Light.” I have found so much comfort and solitude from “Christian Contemporary Music.” Songs that I would have never heard of if it wasn’t for what I am going through.

The music inspires me and gets me through each day.

I have put together a list of a few songs that I really like. Songs that have inspired me to look deep into my soul, to accept what God has put in front of me, to realize that God is actually real and that he is in my life for good. Some of these songs bring tears to my eyes when I hear them but it helps me push on with my journey.

I would like for you to listen to them. Listen to them if you are having a good day or bad day. I promise you that at least one will inspire you and guide you through your own journey. Listen to the words and let them into your heart. Let them encourage you, comfort you, inspire you.

Laura Story – Blessings

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mmgV6mPvb0

Josh Wilson – I Refuse

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6B1Lv8k5pEc&ob=av2e

Ryan Stevenson – We got the light

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp2V56DVws4&ob=av2e

Sara Grooves – Eyes on the Prize

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmrTvDoqvMM

Fracesca Battistelli – Motion of Mercy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMqkd2UhZhk

Matt Redman – Never Let you Go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKjayagPbWw

Rush of Fools – Grace Found me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfKNDe1JIlg

Sidewalk Prophets – You can have me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdgg7XmTWls

Mercy Me – Move

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MmUDDxflt6o

Santus Real – Whatever You’re Doing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iN9J8eqKovY

The Outsiders – Need To Breathe

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6xvpQYA94Y&feature=fvst

Mandisa – Stronger

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WFY2Hdh7cvA&ob=av2n

Luke 11:9

⁹ “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. ¹⁰ For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

Tomorrow is going to be a true test of my faith. I am going to ask my wife to do something with me. Something we have NEVER done the entire time that we were together. I will be deep in prayer for the rest of the evening asking God that she accepts my invitation with an open heart. It will be my gift to her from my heart. A gift I have NEVER considered giving her.

I could not go through this journey alone. I could not make it through this journey without your words of encouragement, prayers, comforting words and advice. I thank God several times a day that you are in my life.

Please pray that Gail accepts my invitation, an invitation from my heart to change her life forever. My invitation for her to start a journey of finding happiness, peace and comfort. A journey that will let her forgive, trust and move forward. A journey that will be with her for the rest of her life. I ask that you pray that Gail receives it with an open heart and a willingness.

Love,

Jim

Changing of the Guard

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I was tossing and turning all night. It wasn’t because I was sad I just had a lot on my mind. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. Non-emotional things were catching up to me. As I was lying there I started to pray. I was asking God for his guidance, comfort and strength to get me to the next level of this journey. But nothing was connecting. I was in deep prayer when I heard “that voice.” All it said was “be quiet and listen, stop praying and listen.” Could this just be my subconscious talking to me? Could this just be my mind wanting something right now? I figured I had nothing to lose so I stopped praying, cleared my mind and listened. These were clear, concise words strung together in sentences. They came fast so I started to think this is not me talking to myself because they were coming fast and to be honest I couldn’t think that fast. The voice told me to do three things tomorrow (which is today) and ONLY these three things. They were – 1. Go shopping and get cat food, water and copy paper 2. Do your paperwork for your new job (my daughter and I are working out of house as Territory Reps for a company called LinkUp America) 3. Clean the upstairs and put the “home office” together so you have a place to work. That was it, nothing more, nothing less. So I kept asking what about this, what about that. The voice replied those three things and that’s it. I kept on, what about this, what about that. Again the voice I heard said stop and LISTEN. Those three things and that is it. I asked, “what about money” and the voice I heard said “don’t worry about it I will take care of it.” I asked what about Gail and I, what is going to happen? Again the voice said, “I will take care of it, don’t worry about it.” I asked will we get back together and if so when. The voice said “On your birthday, August 4^th.” Now before you think okay this guy is crazy and has totally lost it (trust me I was thinking the same thing) here is how the day went.

After falling asleep around 6am I woke up a few hours later and got dressed. Today was going to be different, different because it was time to work on myself. I needed some serious “self-care”. I could no longer worry about something that was not in my control. I couldn’t spend my days and nights asking what if, how come, why is this happening. It was time to dig deep and find ME. I needed to spend time on myself because I realized that I couldn’t control other people’s thoughts or actions. I had to stop spending my days wondering if Gail and I would get back together. Instead I had to start working on how was I going to better myself.

I got dressed and headed to Wal-Mart and did task #1. I got home and started on task #2. As I was working on the paperwork I got up and went into the kitchen to get something to drink. As I was doing that I grabbed a sponge and started wiping down the counter. As I was doing that a voice said “not of the list, STOP and get back to your paperwork.” I looked around and I was the only one in the house so I figured that was directed at me. So back I went to the paperwork. I finished the paperwork and went upstairs to work on task 3 of getting the office ready for next week (that’s when my daughter and I start). As I was cleaning and getting it ready I had to use the bathroom upstairs (my daughters bathroom).  I went down stairs and got some cleaning supplies and went into the bathroom. There it was again, that voice. NOT on the list. So back I went and put it away and went back to getting the office ready. I finished getting the office together and looked at the clock 5:00pm! Already? Where did the day go? It was time to hit the shower because it is Wednesday, which meant I was going to church with my daughter. Something we started about a month ago.

As I was heading to pick up my daughter I asked God to let me learn something tonight that I can use to get myself back on track. I heard that voice again say LISTEN; they will be speaking directly to you. As I was pulling into her apartment complex I was hoping to see my wife’s car, but it was 6:00pm and I figured that she was still at work. As I rounded the corner of her building I looked and no it wasn’t there. There was a bit of a sinking feeling because I secretly wanted my wife to be there so I knew she was safe and I thought MAYBE she would walk out with my daughter and join us. As I pulled up to the walkway my daughter was coming out alone. It didn’t matter because I enjoy our Wednesday nights. The drive to Lakewood allows us to catch up and talk.

As we were heading to church I got a text message. As I tried to read it, my daughter yelled at me and said “Dad, you are drifting, DRIVE.” So I handed her the phone and said read it. It was a text from my former employer asking me if I wanted my check mailed or if I was going to pick it up. I said to my daughter check? I wasn’t expecting a check from them. Then it hit me. The night before I asked God “what about money” and he said “Don’t worry about it, I will take care of it.” Could this just be a coincidence or was this really happening. I then told my daughter about the voices I heard and about me asking God about “what about the money” and the answered I heard.

As we were sitting there waiting for the service to begin we talked about the voices I heard the night before and were both convinced it WAS God. I then told her as I driving to pick her up I asked God to let me learn something tonight at the service. The service began.

There I was sitting there listening and out it came. “Rule the Air” he said and here is what I mean……Only YOU can control the air that is around you. You have an area around you that only YOU can control. Control what comes in and what comes out. He continued. “Take authority, engage your will, and engage your willpower. Create an atmosphere within your air, an atmosphere of success, positive words, positive people.” It seems simple enough but could it be THAT simple. He went on to tell a story about when he was 12 and was home alone and how the “mind monster” took over and played tricks on him. We all know the story on how the “mind monster” works. It puts people breaking into your house, monsters coming out from under the bed, scary thoughts in your mind. He compared it to life today on how WE as individuals CAN control what comes in the air around us. We cannot control anyone else’s air except our own. RULE THE AIR! Every place you put your foot you are responsible for, no one else can be responsible except for you. As he was saying this it seemed as though he was looking directly at me. I looked at my daughter; she looked at me and didn’t say a word.

As we were heading back to my daughter’s apartment I said something that pertained to my wife (to be honest I don’t remember it). My daughter snapped back, “were you not listening tonight….THE MIND MONSTER!”

I have now set my life up like an email account. I have an inbox where only the things that matter to me and will help me come in. I have a spam filter where all the junk goes and an unsubscribe button where I can unsubscribe to anything that will not benefit me. And a delete button where I can immediately get rid of the garbage that comes in.

Thank you for all of your prayers, words of encouragement, comfort and positive messages. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

Please pray that God goes into Gail’s heart and shows her the way to happiness and that she sets up her own “life” email account. Please pray that her journey leads her to find what I am discovering about life and how to eliminate any negativity that tries to come into her heart. Please pray that on August 4^th our marriage is restored to be better than ever.

Love,

Jim

This is what LOVE means to me

So many times we misuse and abuse the word LOVE. We use the word to describe something. To me it is not a description but a feeling; it is something that you cannot put into words. To often we use the word LOVE to describe a candy bar; “I love snickers bars” or an inanimate object like “I love that couch.” LOVE is something special and should only be used on a special person, someone that you have a deep-rooted feeling for.  LOVE is an action.  Anyone can say “I Love You” but showing LOVE is a whole different story. LOVE is something you cannot show overnight. LOVE is something that never stops if you truly LOVE someone. LOVE is the ability to see past a person’s faults and see the good in them and bringing that good out in a person no matter how long it takes Love is a decision to nurture another persons well being. LOVE is giving your undivided attention with quality conversation. LOVE is doing something together with focused attention. LOVE is a feeling that once it is in your heart it NEVER leaves you, no matter what.

LOVE is NOT giving someone flowers and cards one day a year. That is a gift that tells a person that you are thinking of them. LOVE is giving someone yourself 365 days a year “til death do you part.”

LOVE is unconditional:  not conditional or limited : absolute, unqualified

LOVE is painful, LOVE is strength, LOVE is courage, and LOVE is patience. LOVE is being able to forgive. LOVE is a commitment; True LOVE is eternal it NEVER fades. NEVER.

LOVE is extremely complicated. You have to LOVE yourself before you can LOVE anyone else. You have to know your true self before you can know someone else. You have to be comfortable with who you are before you can be comfortable with anyone else. You have to LOVE yourself in your heart before you can give your heart to someone else. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you know the true meaning of loving yourself.

Saying I LOVE you has no meaning unless it comes from the heart. I LOVE YOU are just words, saying it just to say it devalues it. You have to show it, you have to feel it in your heart. LOVEing someone is one of the hardest things that you will ever do in life.

Today is a day of LOVE, everyday should be a day of LOVE.

Thank you again for your friendship, words of compassion, prayer and LOVE. I am truly blessed to have each and everyone one of you in my life.

Please pray that God fills Gail’s heart with LOVE, strength and happiness. Pray that she, forgives me, and that she understands that I am changing through GOD. Pray that when we are BOTH ready, she finds herself back to me and our marriage is restored and our LOVE is stronger than ever before because I truly LOVE her and she LOVES me. Please pray that God gives us the patience and strength to get through this part of our journey and come out better, stronger and know our TRUE LOVE for each other.

LOVE,

Jim

Throughout my journey I have been focusing on the pain and hurt that I have been experiencing. I have decided that in order to start the healing process I need to find out who I am, why and I this way and what can I do with the cards I have been dealt and how to use my personality traits to my advantage instead of my disadvantage. Before you can make an old run down house livable for anyone else you have to fix it and make it livable again. That is what I am doing I am remodeling myself.

After attending a workshop through Lakewood church I have learned who I used to be, before my negativity set in, what my personality says about me, my weaknesses and how my weaknesses got me where I am today. I am learning how to use my weaknesses through God’s guidance to help myself to become a new man and help others through FAITH, HOPE & PATIENCE.

PERSONALITY – Sanguine

Inspirational…Influential…Impressionable…Interactive…Impressive…Interested in people

EMOTIONS – Strengths

• Warm & lively, lives in the now
• Talkative, never at a loss for words
• Carefree-never worries about the future
• Great storyteller
• Conversation has an infectious quality
• Unusual capacity for enjoyment

EMOTIONS – Weakness

• Cries easily, spontaneous anger
• Emotionally unpredictable
• Restless, lacks self-control
• Exaggerates the truth
• Appears phony, naïve & childlike
• Comes on too strong
• Emotional decision maker
• Impulsive buyer

ACTIVITIES – Strengths

• Makes a good first impression
• Not bored because I live in the present
• Gifted in caring for the sick
• Easily engages in new plans
• Breeds enthusiasm
• Great exhorter

ACTIVITIES – Weaknesses

• Completely disorganized
• Undependable, late
• Undisciplined
• Wastes time talking when I should be working or doing something productive
• MANY unfinished projects
• Easily distracted, unfinished goals
• ALWAYS wanting approval

BIBLE CHARACTER – Peter

Talkative – Never at a loss for words

Peter is the prototypical example of a Sanguine, both in weakness and in strength. No one in the Bible is a better example of how the power of GOD can work to grown someone from self ruled to Spirit ruled. Peter loved to talk, he was always talking, especially when he should have been listening.

Matthew 17:4-5

Then Peter answered and said to Jesus, “Lord it is good for us to be here; if You wish let us make here three tabernacles: one for You, one for Moses, and one for Elijah.” While he was still speaking , behold a bright cloud overshadowed them; and suddenly a voice came out of the cloud, saying “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. Hear Him!

God didn’t want to hear what Peter had to say, He wanted Peter to listen what Jesus had to say.

Emotionally unpredictable

Sanguine people are emotional. They speak without thinking, they leap before looking.

John 18:10

Then Simon Peter having a sword drew it, and smote the high priest’s servant, and cut off his right ear. The servants name was Malchus.

Peter, before he was controlled by the Holy Spirit rarely exhibited any discipline. Not only did he react emotionally by cutting off Malchus ear, he also invited a whole group of people over to his home while his mother-in-law was sick in bed. While intentions are usually good, rarely were his plans well thought out.

Great Exhorter

Further in the Bible, we see Peter, now under the control by the Holy Spirit. God is using him for great purposes. He is finally using his verbal affinity the right way, winning souls to Christ.

Acts 3:4-6

And fixing his eyes on him, with John, Peter said, “Look at us.” So he gave them his attention, expecting to receive something from them. Then Peter said, Silver and gold I do not have, but what I do have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk”.

Before Peter’s baptism in the Holy Spirit, Peter is a noisy, out of control sanguine, time after time putting his foot in his mouth, saying the wrong thing and failing to live up to his words.

THE OUT OF CONTROL SANGUINE

Unrealistic – a dreamer who has no connection to practical reality

THE SPIRIT CONTROLLED SANGUINE

Optimistic – Visioned and ready to go, expecting success

THE OUT OF CONTROL SANGUINE

Manipulative – uses friendships and an affable manner to control people of situations for their personal benefit.

THE SPIRIT CONTROLLED SANGUINE

Persuasive – if their gift for speech is turned outward, they can easily win others

THE OUT OF CONTROL SANGUINE

Impulsive – has little or no self control

THE SPIRIT CONTROLLED SANGUINE

Spontaneous – No special Spirit prompting needed. These people are sitting and ready

THE OUT OF CONTROL SANGUINE

Unfocused – this personality NEEDS the power of the Holy Spirit to create direction for their life. This person needs well defined goals and well though out plans for achieving those goals.

THE SPIRIT CONTROLLED SANGUINE

Outgoing – Sanguine’s are people people. They are not intimidated by the prospect of meeting new people or getting out and circulating.

My first lesson learned today is that I do have weaknesses but by letting God into my heart he can turn them into advantages.

Throughout my day I now LISTEN and hear things, things that make sense to me now that I never HEARD before. Here are a few of them from today that I read or heard.

Ready or not another day is upon us

You can’t hit the ball unless you step up to the plate and take a swing

Your actions will always follow your beliefs

If you accept defeat that is what you will get

Narrow your focus

Until the Lord moves you, you’re to Him right where you are planted

God will send you rain after you have prepared you field

Today was a great exercise in self-awareness and a HUGE step on my journey. I hope something here inspires you to ACT and not REACT.

Thank you with all of my heart for being here with me on my journey and walking next to me, encouraging me with prayer and comforting words. I am thankful for each of you.

Please keep Gail in your prayers that God reaches into her heart, shows her the path to HER journey, that the Holy Spirit turns her weaknesses into advantages and that her heart forgives me.

Love,

Jim

Yesterday was a very bad day for me both emotionally and spiritually. I was in a very bad and dark place. It was a scary place, a place I NEVER want to visit. I honestly think that emotionally I was in hell.

Yesterday’s blog was written from a very dark place. I was going to delete it but decided not to because if you do not appreciate someone and just tell them you love them like you are saying “I’m taking out the trash”, with no meaning and no heart, this is how you will feel.

Last night I got knocked down and knocked down hard. I kept getting up and every time I did I got knocked down; after each round I kept going back to my corner and asking my coach and teacher to show me what to do. What am I doing wrong. I have faith but you are not helping me. He kept pushing me back in and said, “fight”, but all I was doing was getting beat up. Every time I went back to my corner I asked “what am I doing wrong” and he kept pushing me back and said, “fight.” Again and again I kept getting knocked down. I kept telling myself I cant stop this fight but it is starting to hurt more and more and I do not know how much I can take. I have to fight; I can’t get knocked out. No matter what, I can’t get knocked out. No matter how much pain I was receiving I have to stay in this fight. This is a fight that I NEED to win and I cannot stop no matter what. My eyes were swollen shut and I was fighting blind, so I thought. Quitting was not an option. But after what seemed to be thousands of rounds I started to go back to my corner to ask my coach and teacher to throw in the towel. But all he kept saying was “fight”; “fight like you have never fought before.” I went back in and got knocked down. This time it was hard and I just want to stay down; I was exhausted. I couldn’t move a muscle; I was down for the count. I looked over to my corner and I heard the following words coming from my corner, “Get up and fight! I don’t coach quitters, I train winners.” For the first time in a long time I got up and as much as it hurt and as weak as I was, I kept fighting.

Last night I went into my room, lay on the bed, turned off all the lights and prayed. Prayed for hours. All I kept saying is take me Lord I am yours. Do what you will with me. I know I have been away but I am giving myself to you. I did this for hours, over and over again. Then once again I prayed that he would reach into Gail’s heart to show her the way and to forgive me and show her that I am a changed man.

I woke up this morning and felt as though I had been in a 30 round fight. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I did not want to get out of bed. I was still in a dark place but not as dark as the night before. I stayed in bed and prayed. Finally I got up and went about my day the best I could. I felt as though I was holding my heart in my hand and watching it beat ever so slowly.

I was driving to a friend’s house to talk and get advice. As I was going there I was listening to the radio and it seemed every song was talking to me. Many of the words were coming out of the speakers but not many were sticking. However a few lyrics from various songs DID stick.

“Don’t Put off showing someone you love them”

“Don’t want to look back and wonder”

“Everyday is a day to start over, why wait for tomorrow”

“Life is not a snap-shot, look at the big picture”.

As the day progressed slowly things started coming to my mind from what I heard in church yesterday. The words and phrases were starting to come together.

“See it happening and Protect your vision”. What this meant is to stay focused on what you are going after. You WILL have doubt and YOU will see things in your mind that is not how they really are. Do not let your mind run wild. Stay on course and focused and stay with God to visualize it. See it as God sees it.  See it over and over in your mind, never let go and do not get distracted from that vision.

I also wrote down Proverbs 29:18. Why I am not sure but I remember it being quoted. I didn’t really hear it until I got home and looked it up last night.

Proverbs 29:18

 ¹⁸Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

As the day went on I continued roaming around looking for things to do. Finding things to keep me busy. As I was roaming around I received some very encouraging news about someone I care deeply about. It was amazing! My prayers were in fact answered. I fell to my knees and thanked God and cried tears of joy. It was incredible. I still have a long way to go and I am not sure if they will work out the way I want the, to but these were the greatest I have heard spoken since I heard the words “I Do” from my wife. It was an amazing sign from God that although things may not be how I NEED them, they are how I want them to move forward.

FIGHT, FAITH and HOPE are three words that are ingrained into my heart and soul forever. I am not perfect and I may stumble but God showed me today that there is Hope if I have Faith and keep Fighting.

Thank you all for your non-stop prayers, for fighting this fight with me and for praying. I am forever thankful and cherish every moment. Thank You

Please continue to pray that God reaches into Gail’s heart to show her the way and to show her I am changing with Gods guidance, something I have never done before and that one day the pain she is feeling now is replaced with God’s eternal love.

Love,

Jim

Today was an extremely difficult day. I woke up with so much pain, hurt and loneliness. It was very hard to get out of bed let alone go on with my day. Today I felt as though Gail and I separated today. I had a positive attitude moving forward but today it was gone. I prayed and prayed and nothing. My heart aches and still does. It is a horrible feeling.

I apologize if I am a downer but writing seems to help, I don’t know what to say today except the pain is bad. I have tried all day to restore my faith but it is not there.

I prayer all day and the pain did not go away and it is still here. I am having a hard time tonight moving forward. I am trying to form sentences but they are not flowing.

I went to church today hoping to find some spiritual guidance. As I was sitting there I couldn’t focus, could understand what they were say. I heard the words but nothing sank it. They were bouncing off me. It was hard enough going to church today, seemed everything was getting in my way, bad traffic, slow people, everything was in slow motion. My entire life was and is in slow motion today.

I wish I could say that after church I found some hope, peace or comforting words but I didn’t. I keep going back to God but for some reason I am not feeling anything. There is a void, emptiness in my heart.

I have been with my wife for over half of my life. I have been in love for over half of my life and to go from talking and seeing that person for half of my life to almost nothing it hurts. It hurts bad. I made mistakes along the way but I never stopped loving her. Sure things were not great these last few years but I still have feeling for her. Feelings that are deep. When someone is there for half your life and then they are gone it hurts. The feeling of emptiness cannot be explained. Again, I was no saint, I WAS negative and a bastard at times but I never stopped loving her. Yes it was wrong for me to be a bastard at times but I am not that person anymore.

If you love someone PLEASE treat him or her as you would treat God. Show them you love them and not with just words. Let them know everyday from this point on how much you appreciate them. How much they mean to you and how important they are in your life. Show them RESPECT and HONOR.  DO NOT let a day go by without letting them know you are there for them and that you DO care. Say it, show it.

I continue to pray tonight but I am scared. Scared of this feeling I have, scared of not knowing anything, upset of being totally cut off. Wondering. As I sit here alone all I can think of is when will this end. When will this pain end? I know God is not a magic genie and there is no magic lantern that he rubs to make it all go away. I am trying with everything I had to be positive; to have faith and hope but today it is nowhere. I don’t know why. I don’t know what to do.

As I sit in front of this computer all I can hear is silence. A silence that is so loud it is deafening. Today is a dead end. I am in a bad place right now.

I am exhausted and tired.

With all my heart I want to thank everyone who has tried to make me understand, encouraged me with their words and prayers.

Please pray for me tonight………..

“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.” ~ Mother Teresa

Today was an odd day, odd in the fact that when I woke up I had no emotion. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy I was numb. I lay there doing my morning meditation and prayer asking God to give me strength today and courage to continue my journey. I asked him to direct me on my path. As I got out of bed I felt robotic. I had nothing in my mind, it was clear. I was just going through the motions. Today was Friday, which meant for me it was cleaning day and laundry day. I grabbed the dirty clothes; tossed them in the washing machine and with bucket in hand I started. Again I was emotionless, very robotic which may have been a good thing. For once I had no ideas, strategies, or emotions. Part of me was a little scared. Could I be burying my emotions deep down so that one-day when I least expect it they come out and explode? I have been down that road before and it was a dark and desolate road that I didn’t want to ever return to. As I was cleaning the mirror I didn’t even see myself. I was there but I wasn’t. I tried asking God what was going on but I couldn’t even form a thought.

As I was heading out to get the mail (something that I dread, not because of bills, but I am scared to death that a letter from an “attorney” could be in there. Although I do my wife well enough that she would warn me before that). As I was coming back to the house there was a young dad walking his son home from school with a little dog. I am guessing his son was in first grade maybe second. As they walked past I did the “neighborly hi” and I listened to what they were talking about. They were going over spelling words. The father would say “blue” and the little boy would say B-L-U-E and the father would say awesome. Next, green and so on. At that moment I felt an amazing feeling of appreciation. That one little moment jump-started my mind. I started thinking of things that I appreciate.

I got back to the laundry and I was taking the clothes out of the dryer and  I started thinking again. I appreciate the fact that I can take clothes out of the dryer and fold them. So many times we look at things as “work” or something tedious. I began to exercise my mind as to why I appreciated the fact that I was taking clothes out of a dryer and folding them and this is what I came up with:

I have a washer and dryer at home that allows me to wash and dry clothes

I have a house and roof over my head where the washer and dryer are located

I have water that allows me to wash clothes in my own home

I have detergent that allows me to wash clothes in my own home

I have clothes on my back that I can wash and dry in my own home

I have electricity in my home that allows me to wash and dry clothes in my home

And so on. As I continued my day I looked around at everything and went through the same exercise. Take one thing and watch it snowball into a few, then into many then into hundreds of things you appreciate. Small things. Appreciating small things turns into appreciating ALL things.

This morning I had received a text message from Gail asking me how my job interview went yesterday. I answered and thought nothing of it. When I read it I had no emotion, just a response. Then as I was looking at things to appreciating, I thought about that text. I appreciated that I received a text from Gail. I appreciated that she reached out to see how it went. I appreciated the fact that it was a text from her. I appreciated her response. Then it started snowballing again in many different directions on how that one text made me appreciate so many things.

Appreciation used to be just word that had no real meaning, feeling or emotion until recently.

Today I was on the phone with my daughter talking about appreciation. She keeps wanting to give me money for groceries and I keep telling her no. She always asks me why and I tell her because I need to do this on my own. Today was different, she asked me again if she could give me money and again I said no. Again she asked WHY NOT. I told her that if you gave me money I wouldn’t appreciate it. She didn’t understand so I explained it to her. I told her that I have been keeping the heat off so we wouldn’t run up a huge electric bill (now before you think oh my he must be freezing…. come on it’s Texas, 50 is freezing to me now). She said you need heat, I said not really. Rachel and I are wearing hoodies and if it gets too cold we put on an extra pair of socks and Rachel wears glove, gloves with the fingers cut out so I think it is more of a fashion statement anyway.  I told her when I come through this on the other side I will appreciate the fact that I can turn the heat on and not have to worry. I will appreciate the job I have that allows me to pay my bills. I will not look at it as a job but an opportunity, which allows me to live a comfortable life. I will appreciate the fact that I will be going out and making money. Making money where there is no limit. By appreciating my job as an opportunity it will allow me to enjoy what I am doing and it will allow me to wake up every morning wanting to go to work. I think she understood.

It is a long journey and every day I am thankful for my friends, family and God for guiding me, showing me paths, kind words and prayer. I am forever grateful for all of you being in my life.

I would like to ask you if you could pray for us. Pray that God shows Gail that I am changing and becoming a person again. Pray that God shows her, her path as he is showing me mine. Pray that God fills her heart with joy, happiness and strength. Pray that she will see that I love her as I love God.

Love,

Jim

Last night when I went to bed I had a great presence of comfort. When I woke up this morning that presence was very faint. I felt alone, really alone. The joy that was in my heart was still there but nowhere near where it was the day before. As I lay there I started to go over my day. What was I going to ask God for to get me through this day? I knew that sometime between 8am and noon I would be getting a visit from Sears because my hot water tank had reached it’s final stages of life. I also knew that I had one of the most important job interviews of all time at 2:00pm. How was I going to get my game face on for this interview? I had lost my momentum from the night before. So as I prayed I asked God to help me find my “Game Face” which was buried deep inside among loneliness, fear, change and emptiness. I had to find it and only had a few hours to do so. I was fighting hard to find it.

The doorbell rang and the Sears technician was here to look at my water heater. Without getting into too many details the morning started out with a few speed bumps because the Sears card had been misplaced and I called the day before to get a new one. When I asked the person on the other end if I could use the new card even though it wouldn’t be here for another 7-10 days she said yes. Just have the technician call when he gets there and we will give him your account number to put the $69 house call on the card. So as I was explaining this to the technician, the first thing he said was “that is a home improvement card and we do not accept that”. Now it was my understanding from the conversation I had the day before with “Vicky” from customer service a hot water tank WAS considered a home improvement. So I explained this to the technician and he just kept shaking his head no. So rather than go into the garage and get a hammer to smack him with it to stop his head from shaking I put my hands over my face, peered out between my fingers and looked up and said to myself “okay now what?” Just then the technician got on his phone and called his boss. As he was doing that I got on my phone and called customer service and calmly began to explain the situation. I had put on my “nice game face” and after a few minutes everything was fixed. As he was leaving he said that Sears was having a sale for friends and family members to receive an additional 10% off any purchase so he would go back to the office print off a coupon and bring it by. I thought to myself that was nice. I guess putting on my “nice game face” worked. It turned what could have been a negative situation into something more, something that I didn’t expect. He called me about 10 minutes later apologizing that the coupon was not good for hot water tanks but all the same the gesture was genuine and so was the call.

My day continued with job searches and Internet searches for hot water tanks. I kept struggling to find that excitement and enthusiasm I needed for my job interview that was a few hours away. I dug and dug and still not there. I looked up and asked God to help me find it. Guide me, show me, anything I need my “Game Face.” If I didn’t have my “game face” on they would see right through me and it would be a disaster. I needed to be on and I needed to find it fast.

So as I was checking my emails, I received a response from a friend I had written to a few days before just to see how they were doing since I haven’t talked to them in a while. As I was reading it a line in the email stood out and I was crushed. It explained that the two of them had “dissolved their marriage” after 20 years. I was floored. This was the couple that I thought would live happily ever after. I was speechless; I couldn’t even begin to form words to write back. I then started to ask myself, why are SO many people in my age group ending their marriages after 20 something years together. What is wrong? What is going on? How is this happening to all these people? I then thought of my own street and began to count. In the last 2 years 4 out of 16 people who live on my street have split, separated or divorced. I was number 5. For some reason this email weighed on me heavy. It took up all of my thoughts. How do I respond to this? What do I say? I decided not to write back until I collected my thoughts. I wanted to write back from the heart and not some generic response like “I am sorry.” I wanted to think this through. I wanted to, at the very least, come up with something that may help other than “I am sorry.” I needed something different for this person.

The clock was ticking and interview time was nearing and still no game face. Now much of my thoughts were trying to think of what was I going to say to this friend who ended their marriage. I hit the shower and as most people this is where some really good thinking happens. I do some of my best thinking in the shower. However this time I was blank. I can honestly say I couldn’t conjure up a thought, idea or worse I couldn’t find my game face. I began to panic a bit but remembered I had someone watching my back. So there I was, just like the day I entered this world, looking up, asking GOD to help me find something. Words to write to this person, help me find my center, my game face, something.

It was time to get ready for my interview. I went into the closet to get out my nemesis the ironing board and iron. These are two items that I fear. I am not even a novice when it comes to ironing but I had to do it. So there I was ironing a shirt thinking what is my strategy for this interview. Where am I going to take it, what am I going to say. Also in my mind was how was I going to respond to my friends email. So after what seemed to be hours of ironing it was time to get dressed and head out. Keys, check; phone, check; game face, no check.

As I was driving to the interview I kept asking God, help me find my game face. Help me find the right words; help me find that passion and enthusiasm I needed to bring to this interview. I arrived at the office building, parked the car, and got into the elevator. Still praying that I would find my game face. I got to the front desk, told them who I was and who I was there to see. I took a seat and waited. My mind was blank. NOTHING. All I could do was pray, as I was sitting there, in walked two people that I had worked with in the past. We shook hands and started to chat a bit. Then all of a sudden one of them said the following words; “How is your wife?” Dead silence. Then it came out. “We separated a few weeks ago.” He responded something but I did not hear it because the words “we separated a few weeks ago” echoed in my mind. This is the first time I said these words since we separated. It seemed like forever that those words kept echoing in my head. My heart began to hurt. Hurt badly. I thought not now, especially now, I need to be “on”, I need to get my game face on. We chatted a few minutes more, they left and I sat back down. My heart was crying. I said to myself, God I have only a few minutes to find my game face help me.

The person I was meeting with came out, introduced himself and into the conference room we went. Unexpectedly there was a second person joining us. So there I was, sitting there and there it came, My GAME FACE! I was on fire! Out of nowhere I was a different person, different than the person who walked into the office. I was saying things that amazed myself. I couldn’t stop. It was Jim, energetic, enthusiastic, passionate and on fire. Where did this come from I thought for a second, but there was no time. I had to keep it going, I couldn’t question where it came from because I knew. The interview went great. Since there really wasn’t a position available the person I met with said that he was VERY interested in me but needed to get approval from the top to hire ONE more person. That didn’t bother me because I know that there is a plan for me and I have gotten this far with this company getting a second interview for a job that didn’t exist. I will know by Tuesday of next week. As I left I felt good. I was on fire.

As I was driving home I started to think of what I was going to say to this friend to comfort them. What can I offer them that someone hasn’t already said? Ideas started coming into my head. Thoughts started swirling around on what I was going to write. I got home, jumped on the computer, wrote a thank you email to the two people who interviewed me then changed my clothes. I grabbed a bottle of water and sat down in front of the computer. I clicked on the email and hit the reply button. The words began to flow in response to my friends email. Not just a combination of words but sentences from the heart. The entire response, which was lengthy, was written entirely from the heart. I did not have to stop once to collect my thoughts because these were sentences and words straight from my heart. After I was finished I sat back and read what I had written and was very satisfied. I hit send and off it went, a response that was written entirely from the heart.

If you dig deep enough, fight and ask God for help he will help you and you will find your “game face.”

I could not get through this journey alone and it is thanks to you and God that I am able to make it through each day. I want you to know that I am very grateful for each and every one of you. You kind words, words of inspiration and prayer are things that are helping me and I am forever thankful.

I ask that you keep Gail in your prayers. Pray that God helps her on HER journey of finding her happiness and true self. That God reaches in her heart and replaces the sadness with the light of hope. That God reaches in her heart to forgive me for my past mistakes.

Love,

Jim 

Yesterday I saw Gail for the first time in a while. She had to stop at the house to pick something up. When I got the text asking if it would be okay if she stopped by I got excited and felt like a teenager getting ready for prom. When she walked through the door my heart skipped a beat. Something I hadn’t felt in quite sometime. She looked as beautiful as the day I first saw her. You could say she rocked my world at that very moment. It was great to see her. We actually had a very civil conversation, again something we hadn’t done in a while. When she left we hugged and I asked her to text me when she got back to my daughters so I know she got home safe. I got the text and was happy that she was there safe.

After she left I continued my job search. There has been a company that I have been trying to get an interview with for a couple of weeks, I had an initial meeting but was told that they didn’t have anything at the time and that they just hired two people about a week ago. I leaned forward and said, “Well it looks like you have to hire a third.” I guess that made an impact because the person I was talking to said “let me see if I can set you up with one of the managers her.” A day passed and I hadn’t heard anything, so I left a few voicemails and sent several emails but still nothing. A week or so passed and I continued sending emails pleading my case as to why they should hire me along with ideas. So after sending my last email it was time for bed.  As I went through my prayers I finally said to God, I am all yours…I trust that you have a plan for me so I will follow it and in the words of Del Griffith from Planes, trains and Automobiles…”I go with the flow like a twig on the shoulders of a mighty river.”

This morning I woke up, said my morning prayers and meditated. When I was finished I actually felt really good. I felt a sense of purpose and a sense of change. As always I checked my phone for messages, texts etc (of course hoping that there would be one from Gail…. okay give me a break I can hope can’t I, I am very new at this so one can hope right?) So as I was checking my emails there it was….”Good Morning Jim, could you be available at 2pm tomorrow”…It was an email from the person I was emailing to get an interview, an interview where they really didn’t have an opening. WOW is all I could say, then of course I looked up and out it came…. Thanks!

The morning was looking pretty good. I felt a sense of relief along with a carefree attitude; the attitude of it’s out of my hands now so just point me in the right direction. I decided to do something I had never done in my life, BAKE. Yes I said BAKE…well kind of bake. The night before I saw brownie mix in the closet and thought I might give that a try in the morning. So there I was, a box of brownie mix, an egg, water, corn oil and a pan. The directions called for an 8x8 pan so I had to go into the garage to get my measuring tape. Perfect, I found an 8x8 pan and I was on my way. I read the directions on the box, something that I often forget to do when I am about to take on a task but I wanted to get this right. There I was mixing and pouring, look out Rachel Ray there is a new sheriff in town. Wait I said I woke up confidant not cocky, bring it down a notch mister. So after pre-heating the oven in they went.

As I was waiting for the brownies to cook I decided to write some more. I like writing because it softens the blow for me. I began to write starting with the first day I met Gail. As I was writing I decided to just let go and write about everything (well almost everything, come on I am now a Christian I have to keep it PG). Anyway I started writing about me. Writing about our first meeting, my jobs, our marriage, the birth of our first daughter, then the second…. Writing about bouncing around the country chasing that radio dream of being a program director. As I was writing I noticed certain patterns in my life, certain patterns in my behavior and what fueled my behavior. I stopped for a few minutes to take the brownies out…MMM they looked really good but they were specifically made for my daughter and my wife. I was taking them over there tonight when I picked my daughter up for church. Plus my wife loves chocolate (what woman doesn’t). At first I made them because I thought my wife would see that I am really trying to change. But once I took them out I realized I baked these brownies for me. I had done something that I have never done before let alone consider doing. As they cooled I went back to writing, covering years and years and years of my life. As I looked at the clock I noticed that four hours had passed and it was getting close to the time to pick up my daughter for church. As I was winding down my writing I got a text. This time I didn’t rush to it because I was focused on my writing. After I finished my thought I looked and there I saw a text from Gail. It seemed as though the letters were 6 feet tall. “Can I come by the house quickly to get something”…(quickly is her code for “I am stopping in and I really don’t want to talk about our relationship”. Hey at least I learned something from the person I have spent the last 25 years of my life with). Once again I looked up and said “thank you and can you make sure I don’t say anything stupid.” As I was finishing up my last few thoughts writing I heard the door open and at first I thought it was my daughter. I said “Rachel do you need help bringing in”…then I heard her voice, nope, it’s me Gail. That voice went straight to my heart in a good way. WOW she got here fast. She was in a hurry because her car was in the shop and it was ready to be picked up and she had to get there before it closed. As she was looking for what she came for I pointed to the counter where my masterpiece of baked goods sat. I said that’s for you and Jackie. I was going to bring it by tonight when I picked Jackie up for church but you can take it now. She looked at it and said, “Are those brownies” and with all the confidence in the world I said yes and I baked them myself. I think I caught and little facial nudge as if she was taken back for a second almost to say, “did he really just say that he made them himself.” So as she was leaving we did a quick hug, you know the kind of hug you used to give your aunt when she would come over, quick and you were done. You know when you were 12 and it was awkward. But hey it was a hug. I decided to walk out with her and said “after I get this job tomorrow, I want to take you out for lunch for your birthday since I screwed that all up” (her birthday was Jan 11^th…long story there and maybe I will share it someday, but just let it be know that I screwed it up). She hesitated but I said listen this isn’t going to be a “secret way” of trying to fix our relationship or some way of me trying to talk to you about our relationship, it just lunch. It’s a lunch I own you for screwing up your birthday lunch. She smirked and walked out to her rental that was a huge pick up and she said look at this as she tried to climb up into the cab. We both got a laugh. I asked her to let me know how the brownies were after she tried them and of course the Gail that I fell in love with replied “you didn’t put anything in them did you?” I said of course not I’m not Scott Peterson. She replied so “Gabriel could eat them too”…. Of Course he can I said. Then as she was starting the truck I said, think about that lunch and she said call me and we will talk about it. As she pulled away I looked up once again and said thank you and thank you for not letting me say anything stupid.

I got myself together and headed off to my daughters to pick her up for our Wednesday night out at Lakewood Church. As we were driving I did what any father would do going through a separation and started asking questions about “mom” but then something said don’t. So after 30 minutes of intense questioning (no I am kidding) it was only about 5 minutes of “general questions” I stopped.

Pastor Ray McCauley from South Africa was the guest speaker this evening and it seemed everything he was saying was pointed right at me. Every now and then my daughter would nudge me and give me a raised eyebrow as if to say, “Are you listening.”

I took away a lot of things and would like to share a few with you. Some are just statements but I felt they were something that may help so here goes.

“If you didn’t have to go through struggles for something, if God just waved a magic wand to fix you’re life you wouldn’t appreciate it.”

“If you wake up and it’s raining and you cannot see the sun, it’s still there isn’t it”?

“92% of what we fear never happens so why live in fear”

“Respond don’t react”

“Gods grace is the ability to receive from God what you don’t deserve”

“Courage will replace regret”

“Wake up every day with courage”

And finally he told a story that I hope will translate in words as well as it was spoken.

Little Charlie came home from school one day and was troubled. His father asked him what was the problem. Little Charlie said that every day at lunch a bully comes up to me and tells me if I don’t give him my sandwich he will beat me up. The father said what do you do and Little Charlie answered I give it to him. His father said Charlie when that boy comes up to you tomorrow and tells you he is going to beat you up if you don’t give him your sandwich I want you to punch him right in the face. So the next day at lunch the bully came up to Little Charlie and said give me your sandwich or I will beat you up. Little Charlie drew a line in the sand with his foot and said you have to cross this line first. So the bully stepped over the line and Little Charlie drew another and another and another. The point of the story is that eventually you have to stop drawing lines in the sand and face your problems with courage.

Well that is all for today and as always I would like to ask for you to keep Gail in your prayers. Pray that she finds her happiness and who she is. Pray that God reaches in her heart and forgives me for my past mistakes and see that I am a work in progress and that I am in fact changing and will NEVER go back to the old ways because I have God walking with me showing me the way.

Love,

Jim

Romans 8:24-25 For in hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope, because who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with endurance.

To desire with expectation of obtainment. This is how the dictionary defines hope.

As I read each of these I started to dissect each definition. What is hope? Where can I get hope? How long do I have to hope for? These questions come to mind my every second.

Motivate - incite; impel

Hope and Motivation are two words that I am getting very familiar with, every second of every day I pray for these two things. I ask God to give me hope and motivation to get through the day. Both of these actions are two of the hardest actions to do on a daily basis. I have learned that without hope there is no motivation and without motivation there is no hope. Hope is what is keeping me motivated to get up every morning and take on the day, to look for new ways to better myself as a person. Motivation is what is fueling my hope. It is a vicious circle in many ways. It is exhausting both mentally and physically. What I mean is that it would be so easy to give up, throw my hands in the air and say, “I’m done.” That is what the old Jim would have done. Given up, tossed in the towel and sit and wait for something to fall into my lap. After many years of experience with that philosophy I have learned the hard way that even though it may be a convenient answer at the time in the long run it will kill you.

Yes it is a struggle every second to hope and have faith in something that I cannot see. To trust that there is a reason for my despair. Each day I ask myself what if and is this battle worth it? It would be so much easier to do nothing wouldn’t it? Sooner or later my luck will change right? Then I think to myself wasn’t that how you always did things? How did that work out for you?

Yes this battle is worth it! This struggle is worth it! Why? Because if I didn’t have this battle, the struggle, this emptiness I wouldn’t be changing. You have to die first before you can change. Just like a caterpillar. A caterpillar has to die first before it can emerge into something new, beautiful and totally different.

I want more than anything to change, to be a new person, to be one with Gail and live happily ever after. But the harsh reality of it is that just wanting something will not get results. Prayer, being one with God and taking the bull by the horns and motivating myself to become a new person is what will get me the results I desire.

Everyday I am changing and it scares me. But as someone I love told me again and again “being scared and change is good, it makes you stronger.” For me now fear that I may lose the person I love, respect and cherish the most motivates me. Motivates me to continue this battle because it is worth every second of every moment that I fight it. Hope motivates me that I can have a new beginning with the person I love and cherish with all my heart. Hope is what I hold on to that one day the person who I truly love with every part of my heart will find her way in life; find her happiness and the person who God made her to be.

Thank you all for your friendship, kind words and prayers through this journey of mine. I could not have the hope and motivation without God and YOU.

I ask that you please pray for Gail that she finds what she is looking for. That she finds happiness, comfort, trust and the warmth of Gods love. That God reaches into her heart and shows her that I am becoming a changed person and that I will forever love and treat her as I treat God.

Love,

Jim

Today was the first day in a while that the birds woke up before me. I was exhausted both mentally and physically so my body was telling me to sleep. Sleep and get re-charged for the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and years ahead.

As with every morning now I pray. I talk to God one on one. Sometimes I have a very difficult time forming my thoughts and what I want to say to him. Today was no different. I struggled to get my focus on what I wanted to say. I was all over the place. I was distracted. Finally it all started coming together. Today as I was speaking to God I asked him for guidance and patience, to give me the strength to continue on my journey; my journey of finding Jim, my journey of change.

As I was praying people who have passed on came into my thoughts, people who were there in my life and now are gone. I made a list of all these people and asked them one by one for their help. Each one was a different request but yet the same.

Today I sent a text message to a person in my life that I was negative to. A person that always had God on his side and who I used to look at as “Jesus freak”; a caring person who always had a kind word to say to others and always full of life and happiness. I was mean to this person through my words. Once again I would post things on this persons Facebook because I was jealous. Jealous of his zest for life and jealous that God was on his side and not mine. I didn’t know where to begin the text but when I did the words flowed and were sincere and from the heart. I asked him for forgiveness and also for his prayers.

As today moved on I went into my mind to start looking at the wonderful people in my life who have come to me with prayers and kind words of hope. I thanked God for putting them in my life.

I received an email from one of those friends today with a message of hope and inspiration. It was a message of putting a plan together.  One paragraph in particular stood out which read

“God has placed mature, Godly people in our life strategically to help us overcome our battles. Drop your pride and reach out to the wise counsel of others. Let them know about your struggles, ask them to help you formulate a viable plan to see victory. Once armed with the plan God gives you, it requires you to be like Joshua. Faithfully and obediently follow the plan. Trust God, put your faith in Him, He won't let you down.”

About a week ago I had put down a plan for myself and it went as follows.

Get to know God

Fix things with Gail

Fix myself

Get a job that I enjoy

Take over the bills and be responsible for them

Fix the house.

Since then I re-wrote them

Make God the center

Come to know Jesus

Keep fixing myself

Get a job that I enjoy and love waking up to go to

Take over the bills and be responsible for them

Fix the house

Fix things with Gail

I realize I have to change my priorities and love myself before anyone else can. I realize that I have to do things for myself before I can even think about fixing things with Gail

As I moved trough the day I was tired of beating myself up so I started looking at my accomplishments. Not my entire life but my accomplishments in the recent two weeks. I thought I would share them with you.

• I have found God
• I am staying close to God
• I haven’t taken an anti-depressant (I was on Prozac and two valiums a day)
• I haven’t smoked pot (something I was doing everyday)
• I am pushing forward
• I am doing things I have never done before and taking steps to better myself through words and actions
• I am reaching out to friends. Friends that I didn’t think existed
• I am listening to their advice and doing it
• I am taking responsibilities for my actions
• I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel

Last night I received a message from a dear friend of mine. This is a friend that I grew up with as a child, a friend that I hadn’t seen in over 30 years. But through Facebook I was able to re-connect with him a year of so ago. He has been with me every step of the way through these times. He shared with me his blog that I want to share with you.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2012

Starting the New Year in the Right Direction

*Note: I know it's a week into February, but been thinking a lot about this again.

As we begin a new year, we all make resolutions to change the things that we don’t like or the negatives in our lives.  We don’t wake-up every morning thinking of all the things we’re not going to do, we think of the things we are going to accomplish.  It may be as simple as take shower, get to work on time, etc…  However trivial these accomplishments may be, they are after all steps in the right direction.  Baby steps!   

I was thinking that if we stop saying “don’t be late,” “don’t get in over your head,” we instead say “I am going to be on time,” “I will be organized and focused.”  This will reinforce positive thoughts and behaviors, and don’t think about all of the stuff we don’t want to do.  Start looking in the direction you want to go and stop looking down dead end streets.

Now we come to the part where we lie to ourselves and make unrealistic resolutions, right? Wrong!  Instead we are going to write down reasonable goals and list the things we are going to accomplish.  Don’t write down things like “I’m not going to…”  Instead write “I’m going to…”  Remember, baby steps.  You’re not going to wake-up one day and run a marathon; you need to work your way up to that.  For many, it may start with crawling first.  At least you will be moving in the right direction. 

If you’re feeling overwhelmed by a stressful situation and falling into your bad habits; redirect yourself by moving onto something positive.  Stopping yourself and taking a break will help you reflect on a positive outcome.  I find exercise clears my mind and focuses me on what needs to be accomplished.  The hour I walk away results in many hours of positive results.  In contrast to the time I could have wasted “thinking” about what needs to be accomplish and becoming more frustrated; thus, resulting in many negative outcomes.  You will be amazed at how well this simple process works. 

If you are trying for a better and happier you this coming year; then focus on the good.  Take time to notice the progress you are making, even if it’s small.  Stop looking at the fact that you are not where you want to be yet.  Start looking at how far you’ve come.  Keep looking at the positives, even if it means baby steps until you’re running full speed.  If you focus on “I didn’t accomplish all the things I wanted to,” or “I wasted the whole day sleeping,” you’ll continue to reinforce the failure you feel day after day.  Don’t cry over spilt milk!  It doesn’t change anything.  This reminds me of something tennis player and eight-time Grand Slam Champion Andre Agassi once said.  He stated, "Just get a day better.  Don't accept not getting a day better.  However, don't be stupid enough to try to get two days better in one day." 

Focus on the positive and believe.  It’s good to recognize our weaknesses, but working on our strengths will compensate for them.  Keep your eyes on the road ahead or you may drive off into a ditch! 

Every single second of this journey is tough. It is a challenge but I will get through it and come out on the other side of it a better person.

I want to say with all of my heart that I couldn’t get through this journey alone. I thank God everyday for coming into my life and for putting friends like you in my life. Friends I didn’t think I had, friends that are there to lean on when I am in trouble, friends that have comforting words for me and who are guiding me with words to get me through this part of my journey. My journey will never end. I will always seek guidance from all of you and hope that I can repay it back. You are special and I will always cherish you. I thank you for being there. I thank you for your inspiration.

It is true that God puts people in your life for a reason. You may not realize it until the chips are down but true friends are always there. So if you are in need, reach out to a friend, put your ego aside and share with them your struggles and ask them for help. They are there for a reason.

I am asking God to help me with my new plan. My revised plan that I mentioned above. I would also like to ask you to pray for me that God will guide me and not let me stray from my plan. I also ask that you keep Gail in your prayers. That she finds what she is looking for. That God shows her the way to happiness and forgiveness. She is an amazing person and deserves happiness and love. Please ask God to go into her heart.

Love,

Jim