Coming Clean

This is a VERY difficult blog to write but as I was sitting in church tonight something inside of me told me to write.

For the last several months I have been asking for prayers to restore my marriage. This was very selfish of me. I was thinking only of myself. I wasn’t thinking of the person that got hurt through my actions and choices.

After re-reading my blogs I noticed a common theme. JIM.  I never told the whole story, the story that brought me to the place that I am at now. So as difficult as it may be and as ashamed as I am, I am going to lay it all out.

As many of you know throughout the last few years I was addicted to Facebook. Posting things just to get attention. I was craving attention because of my own selfishness. However it goes deeper than that. That was only the surface.

Facebook was also a way for me to get attention “behind the curtain.” I used Facebook to hurt the person I love the most. What I was doing was selfish and now I see how hurtful it was. I am ashamed of what I did.

I was chatting with a couple of females on a level that was wrong. I was saying things that I should never have said. I was having conversations that were flirtatious and at times sexual. I am ashamed and embarrassed but most of all sorry. Sorry that I hurt someone who did nothing but give me her heart.

For some reason it was Gods will for my wife to see these messages.

I  made up excuses as to why I did it but I will not anymore. The only thing I can do is take FULL responsibility for my actions. It was my choice. I decided to do it, no one made me do it.

I have asked God for forgiveness. I hope and pray that one day Gail will forgive me. I understand if she doesn’t because I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would have a VERY hard time forgiving.

Since turning to God I have seen the error of my ways, asked for forgiveness, learned how to forgive and realized what I was doing was wrong. I realize that even though I didn’t physically cheat, it was mental cheating. Sure many of us do it everyday in our minds but not all of us but it on paper. Regardless if it is in your mind or on paper it is WRONG , VERY disrespectful and hurtful

Ever since God has come into my life I have re-examined my life and the things I have done and realized that at times I was not a good person. I was not living through Gods word. I have now turned my life over to God and have begun to live my life for Him; to serve Him and to live my life through His word.

I cannot change the past as much as I would like to and I have to face the consequences of my actions. I did something that may be unforgivable.

The only person that I can blame for my situation is ME, no one else, no excuses. I can say with confidence that through God and His word I am no longer that person. I no longer think or act the same.

So if after reading this I understand completely if you saw me in a whole different light and said “he made his bed now he has to sleep in it.” This is true; I did something that was WRONG and HURTFUL.  I know that I would have an incredibly hard time forgiving someone for doing something like that.

As difficult as it is to type this and re-live my selfishness I felt compelled to tell you the full story if I am asking for your prayers.

I pray now that one day Gail will forgive me and trust me again. This is very hard for me to come to terms with because it was something I did.

I have since realized that if you are craving attention, show someone else attention and it will give you all the satisfaction you need.

Respect the person you are with. Do not make excuses for your actions. Think before you act. If you are going to do something ask yourself this; “If what I did was printed in the newspaper the next morning would I be proud or ashamed…. If I was going to do something How would God react to it….HOW would my family or children react .” Please, with all of my heart I ask that you to think before you do something.If you don't you WILL hurt someone.

Please pray that Gail’s heart heals and that she will not feel hurt and pain. Please pray that her heart gets filled with joy and happiness

Love,

Jim