A Short Story

An officer pulls over a man who has crossed the white line a few times. The officer askes the man for his drivers license, registration and insurance. As the man is handing it to the officer he asks him "why are you pulling me over" in which the officer replies "you crossed the white line line a few times". The driver replies "I'm sorry I was listening to the "Classic Rock Station" and thinking about the past I apologize I may have got unfocused a few times, I am sorry and I promise it will not happen again. The officer leans into the car and asked the driver if he was drinking. The driver replied "no sir I have not been drinking" the officer said then why are your eyes so red. The man in the car says "allergies". The officer replies "really I dont think so, why are your eyes so red sir", the driver replied "I was crying" the officer says "crying , why? What is wrong?". The driver said with with a tear rolling down his cheek that he is going through a divorce after 20 something years of marriage". The officer replies "step out of the car sir" and the officer gave him a hug and held him for a minute and said "It will be ok, I am living proof...He then turned and walked back to his car, turned around and said, "Keep the Faith" you'll be okay, I promise."

A Wise Girl

A Wise Girl

All of my blogs have been about my depression sadness and hurt. This blog is not one of those. This blog is about a wise young girl.

The couple across the street from me, I would say early 60’s, are truly two people who are in love. You can feel the love come off of them when you see them together.

I had just arrived in Houston, got in the house put my bags down, petted the dogs and decided in needed to test myself.

Just then my daughter Rachel came home and we hugged and started to chat. During our chat Rachel told me that I had to promise to her that I would try to be happy all this weekend and to not get sad or emotional. We “pinky promised” on it.

We were off to the grocery store to pick up a cake and candles for Jackys 21^st birthday. On the way  she told me that the man from across the street has cancer of the stomach and they couldn’t operate and they didn’t know how bad it was. (this by the way is one of the kindest person you would ever know). I asked her how she found out and she said she was talking to his wife the other day. Rachel told her “see Robert only got better because he wanted to be home with you.” As they were talking she told Rachel that Robert, her husband, had to have a bag to go to the bathroom. She said that he didn’t care as long as he was alive he was happy.

On the way to the store Rachel and I were stopped at a red light. I told her that her task was to teach me how to be happy. She said “Dad I already told you….no one can teach you to be happy. She went on and said look at Robert he is very sick but he is still happy”.

As we got into the parking lot I decided to test myself. I decided that I would do three things that would hurt me emotionally. Three things that would bring up past memories. I needed to test myself because of the promise I made Rachel. To try and be happy and not emotional all this weekend.

As I started my mental tests I felt the emotions come on and I thought of Robert and they went away. The second test my pain felt stronger and deeper and again I thought of Robert but I felt the emotions coming on more and more and felt I was going to lose it. But I didn’t I held my ground. I remembered what Rachel had told me The third test was one that I knew was going to be tough emotionally. I knew that this was something I had been putting off doing for a long time because it was so emotional. So I began the process and I have to tell you I felt it deep in my heart, I felt as though I was going to really lose it and felt the tears coming to my eyes but I stopped and thought of Robert my neighbor and what Rachel told me and made me promise.. It worked; I did what many have told me to do. Take it moment by moment. Slowly,  tt was not going to be easy. You will take two steps forward and 10 back. But one day by the grace of God I will be taking 10 steps forward and two back. I have to live each day moment by moment just like Robert from across the street.

Like a wise girl told me not long ago, no one can teach you to be happy, only you can be happy.

Does Time Really Heal Wouonds?

It has been a while since I have written due to the fact that I have had no motivation. I am tired both emotionally and physically from the rollercoaster of emotions that I have been feeling. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t cried in the last 6 months

This is very hard to admit but about a month ago I tried taking my own life because I could not handle the emotional stress that I have been going through.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself “why” did this happen.

Right now my life is filled with loneliness, pain, fear and heartbreak.

I am having a very hard time letting go of all the memories and events of the past 25 years.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be sitting across a huge conference table with Gail and a total stranger having to sign a piece of paper that says I am no longer loved by the woman I love to this day and always will.

I never realized what loneliness was until now. I am the type of person who needs to be around people to survive. I need the companionship of someone that I can call or talk to about my day and share my daily experiences.

I feel emptiness in my chest where my heart used to be. I thought that this would get easier as time goes by but it hasn’t.

I have gotten a lot of advice from people telling me to write and act happy as if nothing was wrong but I cannot. This is the true me right now.

Every morning when I look in the mirror I do not recognize the person who is looking back at me. I am looking at a total stranger.

Right now I am on the edge of my threshold of pain and hurt. I have been talking to people to help me get through this but all I hear is white noise. Nothing sinks in.

I have been on my knees every morning and every night asking God to help me through this. To show me something but at times I feel as though my words are just floating in the air somewhere. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to get through this.

I have spent many minutes, hours, days and months lying in bed an emotional wreck.

There have been certain events that have happen that have triggered some major emotional outbreaks from me and I am at the point where I am unable to cope with things.

I have been seeing counselors, psycharitists, pastoral care ministers and nothing seems to stick. I am constantly walking around in a fog. There are times when people talk to me and I have no idea what they are saying. My mind is so out of focus I do not know what to do.

I am scared that these feelings will never go away. I am trying with all my heart and soul to move on but all I see is memories. I hate going to sleep because all of my dreams are filled with once was.

I am hurt because Gail has moved on and is living to what seems to me a great happy life doing things that we once did but with someone else.

My pain runs deep and as each day goes by the pain gets deeper and deeper. I wish I could just wake up one morning and roll over and see Gail and thank God that it was just a nightmare

The thing I miss most of all things is Saturday morning shopping with Gail. I thought we used to have such a good time.

For me it is extremely painful going from talking and seeing someone for the last 25 years to nothing. Yes there is an occasionally email but it is all business

I am truly heartbroken and I am not sure if I will ever get over this. I have forgotten how to smile and laugh.

I really wish that God would answer my prayers just so I can feel joy and happiness for one minute, than one hour, than one day.

I have been told that time heals all wounds but I do not know how much more time I have to deal with this.

Some of you may know the pain that I am feeling and some of you may not. For those of you who have never felt this type of pain I pray that you never ever have to feel this or have to go through it.

I have been told on several occasions it is easier to deal with the death of a loved one than a broken relationship.

I can tell you that I have changed my outlook on things. I no longer am negative which may sound like a contradiction because of what I have written above but I try everyday to find one positive thing in my life.

I really do try to empty my heart of guilt but it is very hard. I know that deep down I am a good person who would never intend to hurt anyone.

I miss my family so much that it  pains me to look at their pictures on my desk. There are times that I have to turn them around because I miss them so much.

I miss the company of someone that I truly love and will for the rest of my life. I will never have anger or hate towards Gail ever in my life.

Many of you reading this may say that I need to man up and trust me I have tried but this pain runs so deep that it is very hard to forget.

I am trying to move on but it seems that each day I take a step forward I hear something or see something that takes me back 10 steps.

This pain is one that cannot be explained. The non-stop hurt and emotional rollercoaster is something that I would never wish on anyone.

Yes, some may say that I am extremely out of my mind but one day I truly with all my heart hope that we can reconcile and start over because I have  nothing but love in my heart for Gail and a lot of new ways of doing things and handling things.

I miss you Gail with all my heart. I know that you do not read these but I just want to put it out into the universe that I love you and miss you and one day I would like to get together to make you laugh  just one more time so I can see your eyes glimmer as your beautiful smile takes over your face.

Thankful

Thankful

When you start to complain think of what you are grateful for and all you have. Your list should never stop. When in conversations with other people and you hear the negative or complaining remind them of everything they do have.

1. All my body parts eyesight, hearing, limbs etc.

2. Have a job

3. Place to live at

4. Bed to sleep in.

5. Ac in home, vehicle and work.

6. If unemployed still can get unemployed benefits.

7. People who love you and great friends and family.

8. Fresh water to drink and food to eat.

9. Vehicle to get around in, instead of taking the bus or walking miles and miles.

10. In the most blessed country to live in instead of a country that is in war or divided like many other countries.

11. Do not live in fear in going to work or sleeping in your home like many countries where people are in constant fear.

12. Churches in every corner where you can freely worship without being persecuted or thrown in jail.

13. Having couches, more than 1 T.V. and other accessories where most people do not have.

14. Access to the best medical care in the world.

15. The freedom to vote and have free speech.

16. The freedom to give to the needy and less fortunate.

17. For all the people in your lives that have made a profound impact in your life.

18. Having a stove, fridge, shower etc. Things billions of people do not have.

19. Having money in my account, wallet or change holder in my vehicle.

20. People who steer me or encourage me in the right direction or wise counsel.

This is just a few things I remind myself of what I have when I think I might complain.

Don't Should On Yourself

your feelings determine your actions. if you want to change your life you have to control the way you think

when you put yourself down who are you really putting down ? when you say I'm fat I'm dumb I'm no good I have no talent you're really pointing to the creator who made you. when you say god I'm worthless I'm no good I can't do anything you're saying god you blew it with me .

fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right .

focus on who god wants you to be and what god wants you to do in your life .

find a verse that speaks to you write it down on a card memorize it and then off for mid back to god .

father thank you that I'm valuable I am significant I am forgivable I am capable let god renew your mind because your life is shaped by your thoughts

when we face lights hertz habits and hang ups it's important that we walk out of self condemnation and into the faithful confidence that god forgives us .

guilt destroys your confidence .

don't should on yourself

Etched In My Mind Forever

Today there was a moment in time that will be etched in my mind forever. It was the moment I looked across a conference table and saw a woman who looked like the day I met her. the biggest hurt I have right now is that a total stranger has to make us sign papers saying that we no longer are together. A piece of paper that says that we no longer love each other.

I can honestly say I never thought this day came.

Last night as I was reading over and over the final documents I finally realized (in my opinion) why Gail did what she did.

Since Gail was a teenager she always had someone depend on her. She was always the person who people needed and looked to for guidance. She was the rock. She was always dependended on for 30 something years. Finally she got tired and shut down. She lost her identity. And up until now I never realized what that meant but now I do.

To lose your idenity is one of the most devestating things that can happen to a person. You shut down and you become a shell.

Through this I have also learned that I was a selfish person. Selfish not in a bad way. A way that I didnt know was selfish.

For example if I were to run an errand I would ask Gail to go. Sometimes she said she was busy doing housework, tired or doing paper work. I would get angry for selfish reasons. I would think that she didnt want to be with me and it was all about me. I didnt know I was doing this until recently. I should have understood and realized that she had something to do. Not that it was more important than coming with me, just something that HAD to get done. Instead of pouting I should have realized in my mind that its not about me. Its about life.

I have learned more about myself and more about Gail in these last few months than i have in the last 22 years.

As painful as this is for me to admit, we both needed this. We both lost our identity. Through no fault of our own, it just happen. Sure I can list of reasons WHY I think we lost our identities but it happen and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I do want to say that Gail handled the divorce settlement with the upmost respect for me and was there for me.

Yes looking across that conferance table at a woman i love with all my heart knowing in a matter of seconds I would be signing a piece of paper saying "we are no longer married" hurt and will hurt for a long time.

However I am looking forward to a brand new relationship with Gail as a friend. I look forward to laughing together and just talking one day. Who knows maybe one day we will take a trip to wal-mart together on a saturday morning at 8:00am.

To my new friend Gail, I love you with all my heart and may God Bless you

"Press on, fight the good fight cause the pain your feeling is just the dark before the morning" - Josh Wilson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfWAG-bnttQ


My friend Melanie sent me this song and told me to listen to the lyrics, so I did and i want to share them with you


Jonny Diaz - Scars lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5avBGmFjJo


She holds for dear life to the ends of the sleeves in her hands,
 Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen,
 And the sting of the blade is no match for the pain of the loneliness she's going through,
 But we've all been there too.

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds, and they soften our hearts.
 They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
 So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

You can still see the mark on his hand where there once was a ring
 He watched decades of history dissolve when she wanted to leave
 And the hole that it left there inside of his chest
 Is a canyon a thousand miles deep
 We all know how that feels.

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds, and soften our hearts.
 They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
 So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

There once was a King who so burdened with grief
 Walked into death so that we could find peace
 He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
 By them we are healed, by them we are healed.

So praise God we don't have to hide scars
 Yeah we know his are covering ours
 Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
 They remind us of who we have been, but not who we are
 So Praise God we don't have to hide scars.

More to share

Every day I learn more about myself. I have been doing a lot of reading and deep deep soul searching. As I do this I take lots of notes to look back at and to share with others with the hopes that something I write may inspire you.

Never waste time waiting for something to happen. Take advantage of the opportunities God gives us to recover

Trust in God as small children trust in us

Know that you are powerless to change on your own. I have failed many times by trying to participate in what I thought, were the right activities and behaviors. You cannot change from the outside in

My needs are never greater than God’s supply

Someday I will be changed. I am struggling with dependency, in despair about my devastated life. But during this time I try to reflect on who I will become if I entrust my life to God.

I have swallowed my pride and admitted my mistakes

God may lead us into some tough times and experiences but as painful as they may be, we can be assured that he has our best in mind. We can also be sure that He will stand with us throughout the process

Anger expressed in selfish or harmful ways will always stand in our way to becoming the true person we are meant to be.

We may experience opposition when God begins to change us. Friends and family may feel threatened by the changes and try to stop us, if we experience opposition from co-dependants, we should be never surprised nor discouraged. We should continue trusting God to change us so we can help our family and friends.

Our faith in God and commitment to change often receives the criticism of others. Sometimes friends and family have a hard time believing we are sincere from our past behaviors. We can be sure that no matter what others may say or think God is pleased with the steps we are taking. If we persevere, we will discover that others will someday praise our efforts too.

Denial will never help things; it will only lead to greater suffering and devastation. We should act right away and heed the warning we receive. If we don’t we are headed for even greater trouble.

God is always talking to us especially when we are headed to self destruction. God sends us signals but we tend to ignore them and believe we can do just fine without him. So as we are heading for a path of self-destruction something drastic was/is needed to shake us up. He may send a catastrophe or event to get us back on the right track. Continuing on our present path will only lead to our self destruction.

These last events which took place in my life have shown me and have given me back self respect, honor and righteousness. Developing these qualities and through the events taking place in my life right now has made me face up to and dealing with my own inadequacies, dysfunctions and compulsive behaviors. Facing up to these was and is not easy nor painless

Through this journey I have learned that God provides us with all we need for a fruitful, functional life, but when we (I) rejected Him and abandoned His way; my life (our life) becomes unmanageable, unfruitful and dysfunctional. If I (we) want a normal, healthy life, I (we) can ask God for his aid and turn our life over to him. With God’s help, our life will someday bear “sweet grapes”

What I have Learned So Far This Year

I have learned to trust God

I have learned thta I am the ONLY one who can make me happy

I have learned that my daughters and grandkids are my world

I have learned  I have friends that really do care

I have learned that I CAN do things by myself and enjoy that time

I have learned that I have a lot of people who care for me

I have learned that I AM a GOOD person

I have learned to accept change

I have learned to be a responsible adult

I have learned that I am the only one who can take charge of my life, emotions and feelings

I have learned that when you have a task to do that you don’t want to do, once it is finished you feel really good about accomplishing it

I have learned that there are things in life that don’t seem fair at the time, but eventually you see the big picture

I have learned that I respect myself

I have learned that I love myself

I have learned how to have confidence again

I have learned what you see is not always what it appears to be

I have learned to be positive no matter what the circumstances are. There is always a positive side to everything

I have learned to live without Television

I have learned that there are people out there who really do care about more than materialistic things

I have learned that just because someone has money and flaunts it doesn’t make them a respectable person

I have learned how to forgive

I have learned how to smile again

I have learned that no one gets out of life alive

I have learned to no longer be a co-dependent

I have learned to cook

I have learned to leave the past behind, live for today and let tomorrow take care of itself

I have learned that helping someone and doing something for someone is not a task

I have learned the true meaning of depression and how it can be so debilitating

I have learned what unconditional love is

I have learned to be creative

I have learned that I can do anything I put my mind to

I have learned that circumstances in my life are just that and will pass and I will be a stronger person because of them

I have learned what happiness really mean

I have learned that the most important people in my life are my daughters and grandchildren

I have learned that love is just a word unless you can show it everyday

I have learned that my way is not always the right way

I have learned to listen more and speak less

I have learned to respect others

I have learned to no longer be judgmental

I have learned the best way to lose weight is to get a divorce (I lost 58 lbs and now wear a size 32 waist)

I learned that I CAN do anything I put my mind to

I learned to be thankful for everything I have

I have learned that I still have more to accomplish in life and today is only temporary

I have learned to dig deep and find my true self

I have learned no matter what the situation is, it’s only temporary

I have learned true hurt, pain and sadness

I have learned that some things are better left unsaid

I learned how to trust

I have learned that I CAN be successful

I have learned to be proud of myself

I have learned that life goes on

I have learned that I have a lot more to learn

The Little Things

In my last blog I mentioned how the gifts from God are like those gifts ,when you are a kid, that are waiting to be opened for you on Christmas morning. These are gifts that are given to you by someone who loves you unconditionally.

Yesterday I opened three of those gifts. Although they may seem small but they were gifts from God. The first one, which may seem silly to some, had to do with my lawn mower. I go back to Houston from San Antonio every weekend to see my daughters and grand kids. When I go back I will do work around the house and mow the lawn. For the last month or so my mower would not work. I would have to borrow my neighbors. Yesterday when I went out to cut the grass I thought to myself what the heck, I’ll give my mower a shot and see if it will start. Before I pulled the cord I looked up to the sky and said, come on big guy start this thing for me please. First pull, nothing….Then the second pull it started right up and ran like a top.

The second gift came as a phone call. This was a client that I have been working on for weeks to be a sponsor of a big event that we are having. At first he was on the fence and wasn’t sure if he wanted to spend the money for the sponsorship. But yesterdays call changed that. He said that he was thinking over the weekend and something told him that this might be a great opportunity for him and his business to sponsor this event. So we are back negotiating again on an account that looked hopeless to some. But not to me because I had been asking for help, wisdom, guidance and perseverance.

The final gift came last night. On Saturday my daughter Rachel lost her cell phone. We looked high and low for it all over the house, in our cars, the yard everywhere and could not find it. I must of called it a thousand times if we would be able to hear it. No luck. She went to work and I continued to search the house but nothing. I know it worried her and frustrated her because her life is in her phone; Pictures, numbers etc. Then as I was driving home from Houston to San Antonio I was asking the man upstairs if he could direct Rachel to find her phone. Then about 30 minutes later I received a call from her cell phone. It was a male on the other end. He said that he had found the cell phone in his yard about a block from our house. Rachel must have dropped it when she was walking the dogs on Saturday night.

I know to some this may seem like a coincidence and seem very trivial but I really believe that these were gifts that were under my tree that I opened. I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me today.

2012 has been a year thus far that will remain in my heart and soul forever. 2012 has brought so many life changing moments; pain, sorrow, hurt, fear, guilt, feeling unwanted, unloved, that I will never ever be the same person I once was.

Today will be a day that I will never forget. Today I took another step in my faith and was baptized by Pastor Joel Olsteen.As I was waiting in line I noticed that everyone had family members with them. People who came with them to witness this life changing moment. As i looked at the chair next to me it was empty. It was only me. But for the first time in my life I was okay being alone. Because I knew that I wasnt alone, God, my father and all of my other family members who have passed were sitting next to me. I didnt feel alone. This was something that I decided to do on my own so why would I need an entourage of people there to support me. I had my support looking down on me

As I stepped into the pool I felt an amazing feeling of peace coming over my body. As I was sumbmered it seemed like I was there for hours. Peace, joy, happiness and harmony entered my body and it almost seemed as though my life flashed in front of me. All the negativity, all the hurt, all the pain and all the fear left my body.

I felt a sense of joy and the feeling like you had when you were a little kid on Christmas morning. You would look at the tree and know that those gifts under the tree were for you. You couldnt see what they were but you knew they were there and someone who cared very much for you put them there for you. This is how I now feel. I have gifts waiting for me, I dont know what they are but I know that they are there. Each day I will unwrapped one and be thankful for the gift that God has given me. No matter how small or large the package is the gift is mine, given to me by the one person who loves me unconditionally. These gifts are mine for the taking and will always be there from this day forward. Some of the gifts I may not understand why I received them but I know in my heart that they are gifts that will help along my journey.

As I write this I have an overwhelming joy in my heart that somethng big is coming my way. Something so amazing and something that will change my life forever, and for that I am excited.

I have a new outlook on life. Everyday is a gift, and everyday should be lived to the fullest. My job now is to accept these gifts and accept the fact that God is in control and every trial and tribulation that is put in front of me is a blessing and not a burden.

Throughout these last few months I have gone through some amazing expereinces. I have been humbled, I have been hurt, I have cried, I have been in pain, I have felt alone, scared, troubled, but now I am feeling a sense that all of things are all part of a bigger plan.

Thee are times that I have doubted God, felt as though he wasnt listening to me but I have realized now all I have to do is have fatih and have faith in my heart.

There are many things ahead of me that will change my life forever. Things that I once feared but no longer fear then because I know in my heart that these are all steps I have to take to get me to the next level. I am now confident that my life will have meaning and one day I hope that something that I have done or will do may inspire someone.

I want to thank all of you for your continued prayers, support, phone calls, emails and caring words. Now it is time for me to pay it orward.

James J Oktavec

August 4, 1964 - May 26, 2012

How will you be remembered?

1. Don't see. Do.

Can you speak intelligently about how clothing provides a window into the inner lives of Mad Men characters? Do you find yourself arguing about how the degree of depth lost in the Game of Thrones TV series as compared to the books?

Anyone can share opinions about movies or TV or even books. That's why opinions are quickly forgotten. What you say isn't interesting; what you do is interesting. Spend your life doing instead of watching. Cool things will happen. Cool things are a lot more interesting and a lot more memorable.

2. Do something unusual.

Draw a circle and put all your "stuff" in it. Your circle will look a lot like everyone else's: Everyone works, everyone has a family, everyone has homes and cars and clothes....

We like to think we're unique, but roughly speaking we're all the same, and similar isn't memorable.

So occasionally do something different. Backpack to the next town just to see how many people stop to offer you a ride. (Don't take them up on it, though. Unless you appear to be in distress, the people who want to give you a ride are the last people you want to ride with.) Try to hike/scramble to the top of a nearby mountain no one climbs.

Or work from a coffee shop one day just to see what you learn about other people... and about yourself.

Whatever you do, the less productive and sensible it is, the better. Your goal isn't to accomplish something worthwhile; the goal is to collect experiences.

Experiences, especially unusual experiences, make your life a lot richer and way more interesting.

3. Embark on a worthless mission.

You're incredibly focused, consistently on point, and relentlessly efficient.

You're also really, really boring.

Remember when you were young and followed stupid ideas to their illogical conclusions? Road trips, failing the cinnamon challenge, trying to eat six saltine crackers in one minute without water... you dined out on those stories for years.

Going on "missions," however pointless and inconvenient, was fun. In fact the more pointless the more fun you had, because missions are about the ride, not the destination.

So do something, just once, that adults no longer do. Drive eight hours to see a band. Buy your seafood at the dock. Or do something no one else thinks of doing. Ride along with a policeman on a Friday night (it's the king of all eye-opening experiences.)

Pick something it doesn't make sense to do a certain way and do it that way. You'll remember it forever—and so will other people.

4. Embrace a cause.

People care about—and remember—people who care. When you stand for something you stand apart.

5. Let other people spread the word.

People who brag are not remembered for what they've done; they're remembered for the fact they brag.

Do good things and other people will find out. The less you say, the more people remember.

6. Get over yourself.

Most of the time your professional life is like a hamster wheel of resume or C.V. padding: You avoid all possibility of failure while maximizing the odds of success in order to ensure your achievement graph climbs up and up and up. Inevitably, that approach starts to extend to your personal life too.

So you run... but you won't enter a race because you don't want to finish at the back of the pack. You sing... but you won't share a mic in a friend's band because you're no Adele. You'll sponsor the employee softball team but you won't play because you're not very good. Personally and professionally, you feel compelled to maintain your all-knowing, all-achieving, all conquering image. And you're not a person. You're a resume. Stop trying to seem perfect. Accept your faults. Make mistakes. Hang yourself out there. Try and fail.

Then be gracious when you fail. When you do, people will definitely remember you because people who are willing to fail are rare... and because people who display grace and humility, especially in the face of defeat, are incredibly rare.

To All my Friends

o As many of you know I have been wallowing in self pitty and self destruction these last few months over a person I love with all my heart who is now gone

Today God put someone in my life that I will never forget. He was and always will be an inspiration to me and I hope to you as well.

Today at the radio station we had an outdoor bbq in the parking lot.

Without going through every detail I started a conversation with one of the caterers. As hispanic kid I would say mid 20s. had that gansta look (old jim peaks out for a second). So as I was talking to I was pretending to be happy, you know fake it until you make it.

We were talking and all I was thinking about is my problems. Then I learned that he was a cook there, 27, made the peach cobler. I asked him if went to school for that and he said no , he is actually in his 6th yr of vet school. And for a split second the old Jim peaked out and said no way not this kid. But then I listened to his story. He came over by himself from mexico after he graduated high school at 16.

I asked why he came by himself and he told me that he lost his family. His monther died of cancer a few months ago, his father was in an oil refinery accident a few years ago and was so severely injured they took him off life support, his 16 year old sister was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.....and he just lost his baby son to spinal menegitas not long ago.

I was speachless. As the thoughts of my problems flew out of my head and where replace by his, one thought came to my head that i had to ask him...How do you smile. He looked up to the sky and said to make them proud. He is doing it for his family and his son who is watching down on him. He said he wanted to be succesful for them amd make something out of his life

I shook his hand hugged him and told him h e was truly an inspiration to everyone.

I never got his name but i think his story was what i was supposed to remember and share.

The last two people I have met in the last two days are truly inspirations in my life. Not their story but how to live life. They have taught me that there is happiness in everything in the universe no matter what your circumstances are. Embrace life. Live it and NO MATTER what your problem in life is, turn it around, work it out and make it a life alterning / decision making inspiration for someone

never lose hope and never give up

Jim

Two steps back, Zero steps forward

As I was cleaning out a drawer in the bathroom today I came across a bottle of pills that were prescribed for my “depression”. Pills that I had been taking for the last 10/12 years. Pills that I thought made me happy and pills that I thought I had flushed down the toilet. We’ll I was curious. Would I feel better if I took one of these? Would I feel better if I were to take the “prescribed” dosage? I checked the expiration date and they were fairly new and have another 12 months shelve life so I took one.

Now to remind you I was on Prozac and three Valium a day “as prescribed but a highly educated” “professional” Since January 20^th I stopped all medication because I felt I didn’t need them anymore. I flushed them down the toilet, so I thought.

After taking my “happy pill” for my “depression” I felt myself becoming more and more negative, more and more angry. I was sluggish and tired. I had no motivation to do anything. I started to think if this is happening with one pill, I couldn’t imagine how bad I was after taking one more throughout the day.

After I started feeling this way I pushed myself with all my might and went out into the yard and spent several hours doing yard word. It took all my strength to stay awake and to keep motivated and to keep working in the yard. Little things began to irritate me like a dog barking, a cat meowing for food, spilling a bag of grass the wind blowing. All of these emotions and actions that I lived and experienced in the past were resurfacing.  I was experiencing negativity and anger, emotions that I had not felt in several month. Could this just be my sub-conscious playing a trick on me. I don’t think so because of the emotional roller coaster I have been on I think I would have at least felt negativity in my repertoire of emotions. But I can honestly say that negativity, anger or lack of motivation were not any of the emotions I had been experiencing in the past few month

Am I blaming my past actions on the mini pharmacy that I was swallowing everyday “as prescribed by a professional” Yes and no, Yes I trusted a “professional” but no because I had the choice. In all fairness I did take the advice of an experienced shrink.

I now realized that these pills were making me act like a person that I was trying to avoid. I had looked the definition of irony in the dictionary and saw above scenario play out under the definition.

So next time you have a problem and you visit the local snake oil salesman I would suggest that before you cash your prescription in ask God for help instead of a “professional drug dealer.” I am going to go out on a limb here and say that God has more credentials that a shrink.

Ask the one person who can help your mind get straight. God. After asking God, then do as he says as well as seek reference from the bible.

I stopped taking my “happy pills” and switch over to the best physician not on any insurance plan and I can say with all my heart, he had the best prescription…..His word.

Have a Happy Easter and Enjoy Your Family Today because we do not know what tomorrow holds

Love,

Jim

Handy Little Chart...God has a positive answer for you

There are times when we all need a little help from above. There are times when we feel down and out and need some spiritual fuel. Here is a “Handy little chart” that can be helpful in those times of need.

YOU SAY	GOD SAYS	BIBLE VERSES
You say: 'It's impossible'	God says: All things are possible	( Luke 18:27)
You say: 'I'm too tired'	God says: I will give you rest	( Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: 'Nobody really loves me'	God says: I love you	( John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )
You say: 'I can't go on'	God says: My grace is sufficient	(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)
You say: 'I can't figure things out'	God says: I will direct your steps	(Proverbs 3:5- 6)
You say: 'I can't do it'	God says: You can do all things	( Philippians 4:13)
You say: 'I'm not able'	God says: I am able	(II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: 'It's not worth it'	God says: It will be worth it	(Roman 8:28 )
You say: 'I can't forgive myself'	God says: I Forgive you	(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: 'I can't manage'	God says: I will supply all your needs	( Philippians 4:19)
You say: 'I'm afraid'	God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear	( II Timothy 1:7)
You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'	God says: Cast all your cares on ME	(I Peter 5:7)
You say: 'I'm not smart enough'	God says: I give you wisdom	(I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: 'I feel all alone'	God says: I will never leave you or forsake you	(Hebrews 13:5)

God Works In Mysterious Ways

I’ve heard it a million times but never really gave it much thought. I never really experienced God Working in Mysterious Ways until Friday.

I had just gotten home from work on Friday and my faith in God was starting to fade. I had hit the proverbial brick wall as they say. The weekend was beginning and this was going to be my first weekend alone in San Antonio since I moved here and the thought of not seeing my kids and grand kids was starting to wear on me. I have been gong back to Houston on the weekends to spend time with my daughters, grand kids and to attend Lakewood Church. I have found a new home at Lakewood and enjoy going to it with my daughters and Gabriel.

I was laying in bed talking to God. I was asking him if He could give me a sign  for me to re-gain my faith. Something to show me that He really was working on me, something to give me a glimmer of hope. As I was talking to God I received a text message from Gail asking me if I was coming to Houston this weekend. Not thinking much of it I responded no. At first the old Jim started to surface and I started to ask myself, why would she want to know if I was coming to Houston? But I stopped thinking about it because reading into things has done nothing but cause me problems so I let it go. She texted me back saying that she was going to spend time with Gabriel on Saturday after work. Usually when I come back to Houston Gabriel will come to house and spend the night with me “in the big bed”, “eat chocolate sandwiches”, and “play hoopses.” I was happy that Gail was going to spend time with him because I know how much she loves him and how big of a smile he puts on her face.

So after my text from Gail, I thanked God for the conversation with Gail and continued talking to Him. I wasn’t  feeling sorry for myself , just my faith was fading and I wanted to know that He was there. If you know me I have a hard time trusting and I am working on it everyday, but I still have moments where I just cannot seem to gather the strength to have faith. Being new at this it isn’t easy for me, but I am NOT giving up.

So as I was talking to God I felt myself drifting off into a sleep. As I was drifting off my phone rang. I looked at the time and it was 11:45pm. I noticed the call was from my daughter Rachel. I knew from a previous conversation earlier that night that my daughter was having dinner with her boyfriend and thought it was odd that she was calling me so soon.

As I answered the phone I heard the following words that will live with me forever…”dad, something really bad just happened”. I will never forget those words as long as I live. She was crying uncontrollably and it was very hard to understand her. She told me that she was in a car accident and it was bad. I asked her if she was okay and she said, “I think so.” As I was trying to get information from her I heard a voice yelling, “are you okay.” Hearing those words my heart sank into my stomach and I could hear sirens in the background. I was helpless. I wasn’t there to hold my baby. I was scared. I asked her what happen and she said, “I don’t know.” I asked her again and she said that her car was really messed up. I asked her to give the phone to the person who was asking if she was all right. He told me that my daughter had hit a metal box. Wanting more information I asked him what happen? He said that there was an accident on the other side of the highway and that a metal box had flown off a truck, landed on my daughter’s side of the highway and she hit it. I asked him if my daughter was okay and he said that she seemed to be except that she was really shaken up. I asked him to please put my daughter back on the phone.

I calmed her down and asked her what happen. After a few minutes she was able to tell me that a truck had crashed into another car on the other side of the highway and a steel box the size of a coffin flew into the air and hit her car as she was driving. She told me all she saw were sparks, tools, tanks and a huge metal box flying at her. She said the box hit her car and after it hit her car the airbag went off. I continued to ask her if she was ok and she said I think so. By this time paramedics and police were on the scene and I talked to both. They assured me that my daughter was fine, just very shaken up.

As I was talking to her my heart was pounding and I began to get dressed. I told her that I was coming for her and not to worry. Daddy was on his way……I stayed on the phone with her as I got into my car and began a 3 hour ride to Houston. I didn’t care how long it was going to take I needed to see my baby. I needed to comfort her and be there for her.

Eventually she was calmed down and I spoke to the police officer who was on the scene. He assured me she was okay and that he would take her to the police station until I arrived.

During my entire drive the only three words that I spoke out loud were THANK YOU GOD. As I arrived at the police station I could see my daughter through the lobby windows and joy filled my heart. She was okay, shaken but okay. I ran to her and held her and didn’t want to let go. I looked up and said out loud THANK YOU GOD FOR PROTECTING MY BABY.

As we were driving back to the house she feel asleep and as I looked at her all I could see was my daughter as a little girl. Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks because she was still with us.

I spoke with the officer who was there and he told me had she been traveling ½ mph faster the metal box would have gone through the windshield, or had it hit six inches higher the outcome would have been a lot different.

As we walked into the house I stopped her in front of the stairs and hugged her. I didn’t want to let go. I again thanked God for protecting her.

After calling the insurance company I laid in bed thanking God and began going through the series of events of that night in my head. Then I realized something that at the time didn’t seem relevant to the situation but after thinking about it would play a huge role in the events of the night. My daughter who is directionally challenged missed her exit and was 15 miles past it.

Then I thought to myself that a few hours earlier I was asking God for a sign, a sign that He existed, a sign that He was there. God saved my daughter that night. God does work in mysterious ways.

Keep the Faith

Jim

Ignition

As many of you know I have started working back in radio. One of the stations I sell for is a country station KJ-97. Several times a week we have artists come in and play our lounge for listeners and staff. Usually when the email invite goes out to the staff I read it but never attend. I guess part of the reason for not attending is because music right now music brings up memories of the past. I very rarely listen to the radio anymore because I hear songs that remind me of the past. When I am somewhere there is music I remember the times in my life when I was in radio early in my life and who I was with. I know that those should be happy memories but right now those times are sad for me. Every time I hear certain songs on the radio I have to get up and walk out of the office because they bring back memories. Memories that one day I hope to recall with a smile on my face.

So as I was reading the email today about Matt Stillwell playing our lounge today something told me to go and listen. So there I was sitting there listening. I was listening to every song’s lyrics. Each one painted a visual picture for me as most good songs do. Then he played his final song called “Ignition.” This song went right to my heart. It seemed as though it was written for me. As I listened to the lyrics I recalled numerous times that the scenario portrayed in song played out in my own life as of late, especially during my trips back and forth to Houston.

I want to share this song with you. Read the lyrics and I am sure that many of you can see how these lyrics mirror what is going on in your own life.

Matt Stillwell - Ignition

It's getting hard to see the road
Rain drowning out the radio
One wiper doing double time
Coffee cold, gas is low
These miles keep getting me nowhere
She's there no matter where I go
And the night keeps coming on
And the night keeps coming on

Sometimes you gotta pull the car over
To the side of the highway
Break down, kill the motor and cry
Sometimes you gotta try to keep living
Put the key in the ignition
And start your life over again

Thousand wheels flying by
Heading down the interstate
Everybody's got a place to go
All I do is sit and wait
For some kind of resurrection
From a love that feels more like hate
And you can't get back what's gone
No you can't get back what's gone

Sometimes you gotta pull the car over
To the side of the highway
Break down, kill the motor and cry
Sometimes you gotta try to keep living
Put the key in the ignition
And start your life over again

Cause you can't get back what's gone
No you can't get back what's gone

Sometimes you gotta pull the car over
To the side of the highway
Break down, kill the motor and cry
Sometimes you gotta try to keep living
Put the key in the ignition
And start your life over again
Sometimes you gotta try to keep living
Put the key in the ignition
Put the key in the ignition
And start your life over again