Etched In My Mind Forever

Today there was a moment in time that will be etched in my mind forever. It was the moment I looked across a conference table and saw a woman who looked like the day I met her. the biggest hurt I have right now is that a total stranger has to make us sign papers saying that we no longer are together. A piece of paper that says that we no longer love each other.

I can honestly say I never thought this day came.

Last night as I was reading over and over the final documents I finally realized (in my opinion) why Gail did what she did.

Since Gail was a teenager she always had someone depend on her. She was always the person who people needed and looked to for guidance. She was the rock. She was always dependended on for 30 something years. Finally she got tired and shut down. She lost her identity. And up until now I never realized what that meant but now I do.

To lose your idenity is one of the most devestating things that can happen to a person. You shut down and you become a shell.

Through this I have also learned that I was a selfish person. Selfish not in a bad way. A way that I didnt know was selfish.

For example if I were to run an errand I would ask Gail to go. Sometimes she said she was busy doing housework, tired or doing paper work. I would get angry for selfish reasons. I would think that she didnt want to be with me and it was all about me. I didnt know I was doing this until recently. I should have understood and realized that she had something to do. Not that it was more important than coming with me, just something that HAD to get done. Instead of pouting I should have realized in my mind that its not about me. Its about life.

I have learned more about myself and more about Gail in these last few months than i have in the last 22 years.

As painful as this is for me to admit, we both needed this. We both lost our identity. Through no fault of our own, it just happen. Sure I can list of reasons WHY I think we lost our identities but it happen and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I do want to say that Gail handled the divorce settlement with the upmost respect for me and was there for me.

Yes looking across that conferance table at a woman i love with all my heart knowing in a matter of seconds I would be signing a piece of paper saying "we are no longer married" hurt and will hurt for a long time.

However I am looking forward to a brand new relationship with Gail as a friend. I look forward to laughing together and just talking one day. Who knows maybe one day we will take a trip to wal-mart together on a saturday morning at 8:00am.

To my new friend Gail, I love you with all my heart and may God Bless you

"Press on, fight the good fight cause the pain your feeling is just the dark before the morning" - Josh Wilson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfWAG-bnttQ


My friend Melanie sent me this song and told me to listen to the lyrics, so I did and i want to share them with you


Jonny Diaz - Scars lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5avBGmFjJo


She holds for dear life to the ends of the sleeves in her hands,
 Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen,
 And the sting of the blade is no match for the pain of the loneliness she's going through,
 But we've all been there too.

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds, and they soften our hearts.
 They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
 So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

You can still see the mark on his hand where there once was a ring
 He watched decades of history dissolve when she wanted to leave
 And the hole that it left there inside of his chest
 Is a canyon a thousand miles deep
 We all know how that feels.

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds, and soften our hearts.
 They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
 So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

There once was a King who so burdened with grief
 Walked into death so that we could find peace
 He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
 By them we are healed, by them we are healed.

So praise God we don't have to hide scars
 Yeah we know his are covering ours
 Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
 They remind us of who we have been, but not who we are
 So Praise God we don't have to hide scars.