On Friday, January 20th my wife Gail and I have separated after 23 years of marriage. It was the most heart breaking time I have ever gone through and it still is. It is more painful than losing my father at age 15. I pray that no one reading this will ever have to go through this.

A friend of mine suggested writing to ease the pain. I started to write in a notebook after I shut down my Facebook account because it was a distraction and something…..well maybe I will share the other reason later. As many of you know I have become very cynical and negative through my rants on Facebook. I used  Facebook as a way to get attention as well as get much of my frustration out. I hid behind Facebook to mask my pain. The pain of not living up to MY expectations; the pain of becoming a self centered shell of a man; and the pain of feeling sorry for myself because I was not the man that I thought I should be and have come to the realization that I want to be.

Throughout this last week I have done some very deep soul searching. I have lain in bed crying. I have reached out to people who I haven’t spoken to in decades, looking for comforting words and solace. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed every morning.

Part of the reason for our split is that we have both become strangers to each other and ourselves. I can’t speak for my wife (she is still legally my wife because as she said, she hasn’t gotten a lawyer…..yet) but I can speak for myself.

It would be so easy for me to lay in bed feeling sorry for myself; or to go to the local bar and drown my sorrows in many Shiners. It would be easy for me to give up and continue on my journey of self-pity. A journey that I am all too familiar with considering I have been on that journey for decades.

Everyday the words and actions of Gail echo through my mind of the last 23 years. I only wish that I had paid attention to them 23 years ago. I wish that I would have listen to EVERY word she spoke. Instead I would nod or say something negative or even downright hurtful because I was masking my own emptiness. Why did I do this? I am not 100% sure but I have found that part of the reason is because I didn’t want to change. I wanted to continue on my journey of self pity because I feared change. I feared taking a risk. I feared success. I made many broken promises. Don’t get me wrong; throughout those years I had grandioso ideas. Ideas that if I followed through one of them I would be above Oprah on the Forbes “Most Successful People” list.

Through this last week I have rollercoastered my way through each day. Thinking to myself why did it have to come to this. Why couldn’t I see the road in front of me? Why couldn’t I just for once take a leap of faith and trust?

Now if you are still reading this I ask that you please sit down because what I am about to drop may drop you like a little leaguer catcher drops his first foul ball…..I have found God. Yes it’s true! I have tried numerous times to change my ways but have continued to fall short. I have been given so many chances from my wife to change that I lost count. Don’t get me wrong I would change. I would change for a week maybe a month but then I would go back to my negative ways sucking the life out of the one person I hold most dear to my heart.

As you are reading this please (and Gail this pertains most to you) don’t think that I am writing these words to try to convince my wife that I have changed. That is a work in progress. I am writing these with the hope that anyone who reads this may read something that will help them. Help them to be a better person, husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter or friend.

As I take this journey of finding myself I want to share it with you for the “sou”l purpose of hoping that it may help one of you reading this.

I cannot take this journey alone so that is why I have asked God to come into my life. I am not trying to “trick” God into thinking that MAYBE if I write good things about him he will restore our marriage and my life will be all fun and games. Trust me every day I have doubts. Everyday I struggle to put my entire trust and faith with him.

I am by no means someone who is an authority on God. I didn’t take a “crash” course in Godism. In fact I do not know him all that well. I have just met him and I am trying to get to know him. Trying to hang out with him and talk about life. I get mad at him at times because I asked him to restore my marriage today and it didn’t happen. I asked him to bring Gail through that door everyday to come back home and she hasn’t. I also get angry when people say “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan for you.” Really is that plan putting me through hell and back….STOP! That negativity is what got me here in the first place. Maybe the man upstairs does have a plan for me. Maybe because of that fact that I didn’t listen to him the last 20 something years he finally got fed up with me and took me by the scuff of my neck and shook me to the core to open my eyes.

It is not going to be an easy journey. I looked at the road map (I googled the percentages of marriages that are restored after separation and the odds are stacked against me). I do have one thing in my favor. G-O-D…..

I am not by any means turning into a “Jesus Freak” but I mention him a lot in this particular writing because I want to let you know that I am not taking this journey alone. I am taking it with someone I should have brought along a l-o-n-g time ago.

I don’t know what the future holds but I have one thing that no one can take away. HOPE. I can hold out hope as I take this journey in finding out who I am and who I can become.

Now that I have found God I talk to him at this point every 5 minutes. I think sometimes that he has caller ID and is not taking my calls because I call on him so much lately. I am like that one person you know, maybe a relative who only calls you when he or she needs something. But then again he IS God and I am guessing that he could see through me considering he did put me together.

I am scared and excited at the same time. Scared at the fact that I don’t see the woman who gave me her heart at one time only to have it smashed by me. I am excited at the fact that everyday now brings something new. Excited that one day  Gail WILL walk through that door, forgive me, see the man I HAVE become and our love will be stronger than ever. I know that sounds cliché but it’s the best I have at this point.

I just finished reading a really good book called “FIREPROOF.” I suggest that whether your marriage or relationship is all fun and games or hanging by the smallest thread like mine, pick up a copy and read it. Have your significant other or the one you hold closest to your heart read also read it. Also you may want to pick up a Bible if you don’t have one. I got mine at Wal-Mart….Yes Wal-Mart.

This journey I am on is not going to be over in 6 months. I have come to a realization that it IS a life long journey.

I hope that something I wrote today may have sparked something in you to not take the person you love for granted. I warn you if you do, they may not be there in the morning.

Love,

Jim