January 31, 2012

Well the proverbial cat is out of the bag regarding my “more bad news” yesterday. Yesterday morning I received a TEXT message, yes a text message that I was no longer employed. The person on the other end of the text said “they were taking the company in a different direction and my services were no longer needed.” I don’t know what was more shocking, the fact that I lost my job or that I lost my job over a text message. A text message! The very thing that was used in my arsenal to hurt the one person I love. How ironic. Am I telling you this for you to feel sorry for me? Honestly the old Jim would have. I am telling you this because it is all part of the cleansing process. It is all part of the ride. It is just one small speed bump that I hit. I WILL be employed again soon! Count on it!

Today like everyday is coming from the heart. More so today because I have an overwhelming feeling of positive energy, happiness, joy and “go get em attitude.” A feeling that I haven’t had in decades. A feeling of self worth and that I do matter.

Much of that has to do with God and the overwhelming support of friends; especially today when I had lunch with an old friend from radio. Lunch was something I needed because I haven’t eaten since the bomb was dropped on me. Don’t get me wrong I could stand to lose a few pounds. As a matter of fact I am now a few pounds shy of where I was when I got married. However I do not recommend this type of diet and the reasoning behind it.

As I was talking to my friend and giving him the entire story from birth I felt an overwhelming release of the “old negative Jim”. I felt the Jim who loved life and had a passion for success coming back. As I walked into the restaurant with him I felt good for the first time in decades. I was confident. I was feeling that feeling that I once had come back.

On today’s journey I came to the realization that the past is the past. There is NOT a thing I can to do to change it. Can I learn from it? Sure. But if I dwell on it I go back to the whole internal Jim bashing. Something that I think I have done quite well these last few decades. A place I am leaving in the past.

As I was describing my journey to my friend I compared it to Rocky IV. The one where Apollo is fighting the Russian. How Apollo comes in the ring all cocky, thinking its all fun and games until the bell rings. To me I am Apollo, my problems are the Russian and Rocky is God. As Apollo is getting pummeled by the Russian he looks over to Rocky as to tell him do not throw in the towel I can do this….wait doesn’t Apollo die? Okay maybe not a good analogy but you get the point. As much as I keep getting my butt kicked I am not going to throw in the towel. I am not going back to my corner and sit. This fight will not be called off. I am on a journey to fight and win! The bell has not rung yet and there are a lot of rounds left in this fight. There is a lot of strength behind these punches.

Back to lunch…..I cannot thank my friend Marc enough for taking the time out of his busy day to talk with me. Hear my story: my plan of attack. I have found that my conversations are now “how am I going to win this fight.” My strategy, my positive attitude. Will this “New Jim” be able to keep up the “Positive Stamina.”? YES, YES and YES. Why? Because I have God in my corner. Walking beside me, picking me up when I fall. I have a mission. I am not going to lose sight of it no matter how defeated I get; no matter how many kicks to the groin I get. I am getting up (you would think I would wear a cup by now).

At times I see god as a kitten. Soft, adorable, cuddly and loving. But have you ever seen a kitten play with a ball of yarn. Yep, I am that ball of yarn. He is batting me around; pouncing on me then cuddling me. God really does have a sense of humor.

Yesterday I was talking to my friend and he put it this way….”Jim; you and I are so much alike. Thick headed, stubborn, foolish; one, two, three, four warning shots are not going to get our attention. We both need the house to explode. We are the guy who is sitting on his front porch behind a pile of ashes that was once our house saying to ourselves…well that didn’t work”

I don’t know what the future holds. If I did I would pick the winning lottery numbers and I would be sitting on an island somewhere in the Caribbean tomorrow. Would I be happy? Not a chance because the one person who I hold most dear to my heart would be sitting next to me. However she might be happy if I gave her half and her own island about 200 miles away (insert fake laugh here).

It is funny how soothing and comforting writing is.

As I was going through my day I asked myself “what is love” Jim. Here is what I came up with. See what your answers would be. And be honest with yourself.

LOVE IS……………

Your heart skips a beat when that certain person comes in the room (check)

Being able to disagree without getting angry (working on it)

Being there for that person to laugh and cry (at one point, working on a comeback. Hey if Robert Downey Jr can do it I can too!)

Feeling a connection in your heart that is unbreakable (I do but want it stronger)

Being away from that person only for a minute and missing them (uh – what do you think)

Asking God to watch over them (yup)

Treating them how Jesus would treat them (thanks Marc). (I would fail that one, so I am seeing a tutor)

Looking into their eyes and getting lost (absolutely, just been a while)

Helping with the little things (getting there everyday)

Touching that person and feeling it in your heart (roger that again been a while but its

still there)

In love with that persons inner beauty  (well yeah duh)

Communicating without speaking (does pouting count?)

Asking how their day was and meaning it (yes, now)

Loving who you are (under construction, hopefully not as long as most major city road projects)

Cleaning the cat box without being asked (NOW)

Cooking their favorite meal for them (no ones business don’t want to ruin the surprise J obviously I just did )

Holding that person as if it were going to be the last time you would ever see them again (more than ever now)

I read something last night that I want to leave you with.

“Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding” – Proverbs 3:5 (did I do that right?)

Love,

Jim

PS – God, I haven’t watched TV in about 2 weeks and when I went to turn it on its not working…are you trying to tell me something…again??????

Have a great day everyone.

Monday, January 30, 2012

the journey continues

Well the hits keep coming. Got some more bad news today! When it rains it pours. I prefer not to share the news as of yet but I am confident that when one door closes another opens. Okay not really but it is something to hold onto.

One thing I have to say is that I didn’t realize how many friends I really do have. For the longest time I thought I had no friends. But friends are like termites; they come out of the wood work when things are stirred up.

I am not going to lie and say that things are all rosy. It was a hard day today. But that is why I have God. He is the one I can go to and ask WTF man! He is listening but just like I used to do with my wife I feel like he is just nodding right now. He has certainly thrown a few screwballs in my direction especially today.

Today as I said above, I was hit with more bad news. Just when I was actually able to get out of bed before the alarm and get moving BAM! The old Jim would have crawled back into bed, pulled the covers over my head and said “why me…..AGAIN.” But guess what….Some guy with a long white beard pulled me out of bed and told me to march on soldier…..march on….There are people out there that have it a lot worse than you and he is right (am I supposed to capitalize “he”….Well if that is the worst thing that I do from this point on I think I am doing pretty good). Today I could have been extremely negative and cynical but something in my heart said don’t do it. You are better than that.

Now again I am by NO means an expert on relationships (God knows, look at mine, falling apart at the seams) but hopefully if you read this you will get something out of it and it may save your relationship.

Yesterday after attending church I came home and set out to do things around the house. Well was I in for a surprise. I didn’t finish until 12:30am and I still had things left over to do this morning when I got up. I am not going to go into detail of what I did because if I do you WILL stop reading because I am sure you are not interested in me cleaning the toilet(s). But I do want to share something with you and its something I call “The Little Things.” After I was done cleaning, against my psychologist’s advice I sent my wife an email. An email telling her how sorry I was for not picking up the slack around here. I told her how sorry I was that I didn’t pitch in and help all these years. I told her I had no idea how hard it must have been to work, come home, clean, cook, laundry, dishes, take care of the animals etc while I laid on the couch watching re-runs of Seinfeld that I had seen a million times before. I told her that I didn’t realize why she didn’t want to do anything until I walked 5 feet in her shoes. I had no idea how much this woman did and I only did it for a day, I couldn’t imagine doing it for all these years alone. If anything I have gained a new respect for her and that it would NEVER happen again. I would NEVER let. I am surprised that she didn’t walk out the door much earlier. Words cannot describe how bad I felt yesterday after finally getting in to bed exhausted from the “daily” chores. I felt horrible and still do but in all that I learned that marriage is not supposed to be ONE. It IS TWO.

The Little Things

Don’t wait to be asked to do something. Look around and do it. Find something that needs repair or that needs to be taken care of. For example when hurricane IKE rolled through here in 2008 we had some water damage by our sliding glass door leading out to the back porch. Yup 2008 and it still wasn’t fixed. Not fixed because I looked at it everyday but didn’t see it. Not fixed because I was afraid to attempt to fix it because I was afraid I couldn’t do it and would fail. I didn’t fix it because I thought if I would attempt to fix it I would make it worse when my temper got the best of me. Lots of reason why not to do it. Why should I the “Sponge Worthy” episode was on Seinfeld and I hadn’t seen that one in about a week. So as I was walking through the house I looked at it and stopped. I stared at it and cursed it because it was there. Where you the reason Gail left? It seemed to come alive and laugh at me. So instead of continuing to walk by I grabbed my wallet and keys and headed to Home Depot determined to cover this hole  that was smiling at me with rotted wooden teeth. I went to Home Depot and found an employee and explained to him my situation. That I had a hole that needed to be fixed and that I never did anything like this in my life. I told him I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. We grabbed a cart and he walked up the various isles with me showing me what I needed while explaining to me how to fix it. I came home more determined than ever. It was late but I didn’t care. The old Jim would have said “Okay I have the pieces parts now I can go back on the couch and watch Seinfeld and get to it tomorrow.” Hey it was late and that was a perfect excuse for not doing it. Hell I went to Home Depot and got the parts. Anyway Gail who was the handy one of the house would fix it when she got home from work or maybe this weekend while I laid on the couch watching “Red Dawn” for the 1000^th time. Maybe there was an 80’s movie on too! Well that idea flew right out the door because I was determine to do this on my own and Gail wasn’t here and she wasn’t coming back anytime soon. So I took a deep breath and began pulling off the old wood and drywall. I could have swore I heard it taunting me while I was doing it. I pressed on! Little by little I pulled off all the old drywall and old wood. I sat back almost with a sense of victory but that was short lived. A little voice in my head said now what….You don’t have a clue young fella, good luck with this mess. Again if this was the only mess I got into this day I was doing good. Several hours later I took a step back and there it was in all its glory….A covered hole. And if I might say so it looked good. As I sat there I began admiring my handy work. If I was double jointed I would have patted myself on the back for about an hour. But a little voice inside of me that sounded a lot like Gail said “REALLY” congratulations you did something…..For once. After cleaning it up I have to say it felt good. It felt good because I followed through on something. I finished what I started and I did it on my own. The next morning I woke up and did the same thing in the kitchen where we had another spot of water damage. Fixed and looks good. My point is this. If you see something that you don’t think you can do don’t just walk around it; walk through it. Do it because you might be surprised at the outcome.

Negativity

Negativity is the worst enemy a person can have. I didn’t realize this until I went on Facebook and deleted all of my posts. As I was deleting them I said to myself “don’t read them just delete them” but like stopping to see an accident I had to. Four hours later I was done. WOW was I negative. I couldn’t believe some of the stuff I wrote. I am shaking my head in disbelief as I am typing this. Don’t get me wrong I laughed at a few but not that many. Now I am not saying that I am all of a sudden a “goody two shoes” I still have a sarcastic bone or two in my body, that’s who I am. What I am saying is there is a difference between sarcasm and negativity. My wife is one of the most sarcastic people you’ll ever know but she doesn’t have a negative bone in her body and I admire her for that. With my latest set back, separation, putting a dog to sleep the other day etc the old Jim would have been cynical, negative and angry. Now its become a challenge. I will not let negativity into my life anymore. If someone wants to cut me off in traffic, FINE – that’s your problem not mine. How do I know he isn’t going to be the person who gets a flat instead of me because he ran over that nail before me? Don’t be negative how bad it gets. As much as it kills me to say this and eventually accept it…yes EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON. And after today I have accepted it. What can I do? I cannot change the actions of others but I can change my reaction.

As I mentioned above, I never realized how many friends I really do have. As a matter of fact I want to share with you something a friend of mine sent me via text. I grew up with this guy and hadn’t seen or spoken to him in 30 something years. We connected a few years back via Facebook. He has been a true friend throughout all these years. Just because you don’t talk doesn’t mean you are not still friends. Friends are for life, good or bad.

He sent me this when I asked him if he thought there was hope for Gail and I after I explained the situation to him. I have been reading this over and over.

There is always hope. Hope is a good thing to have. You need to prove you have changed by not wallowing in self-pity, but show strength and resolve to move forward with or without her. You don’t want somebody back because they think you can’t go on without them. You can and will go on, and your life is worth living to the fullest. That’s the strength that God and Faith gives you. I always use this example – “Do you ever notice how people that worship and pray have nothing and their lives are filled with nothing and their lives are filled with tragedies? God doesn’t just grant wishes, he’s not a genie. Your faith and strength help you achieve things, not sitting around waiting for it to happen. That’s where the saying “God helps those who help themselves” comes from. It’s not sit and pray and God will take care of it all.”

I am overwhelmed by the kind words and messages of strength that I have been sent. I am truly blessed to have an amazing group of people in my life. All of you matter but there is one of you out there that means more than anyone to me and I think you know who you are. I love you!

Love

Jim

On Friday, January 20th my wife Gail and I have separated after 23 years of marriage. It was the most heart breaking time I have ever gone through and it still is. It is more painful than losing my father at age 15. I pray that no one reading this will ever have to go through this.

A friend of mine suggested writing to ease the pain. I started to write in a notebook after I shut down my Facebook account because it was a distraction and something…..well maybe I will share the other reason later. As many of you know I have become very cynical and negative through my rants on Facebook. I used  Facebook as a way to get attention as well as get much of my frustration out. I hid behind Facebook to mask my pain. The pain of not living up to MY expectations; the pain of becoming a self centered shell of a man; and the pain of feeling sorry for myself because I was not the man that I thought I should be and have come to the realization that I want to be.

Throughout this last week I have done some very deep soul searching. I have lain in bed crying. I have reached out to people who I haven’t spoken to in decades, looking for comforting words and solace. It takes every ounce of energy I have to get out of bed every morning.

Part of the reason for our split is that we have both become strangers to each other and ourselves. I can’t speak for my wife (she is still legally my wife because as she said, she hasn’t gotten a lawyer…..yet) but I can speak for myself.

It would be so easy for me to lay in bed feeling sorry for myself; or to go to the local bar and drown my sorrows in many Shiners. It would be easy for me to give up and continue on my journey of self-pity. A journey that I am all too familiar with considering I have been on that journey for decades.

Everyday the words and actions of Gail echo through my mind of the last 23 years. I only wish that I had paid attention to them 23 years ago. I wish that I would have listen to EVERY word she spoke. Instead I would nod or say something negative or even downright hurtful because I was masking my own emptiness. Why did I do this? I am not 100% sure but I have found that part of the reason is because I didn’t want to change. I wanted to continue on my journey of self pity because I feared change. I feared taking a risk. I feared success. I made many broken promises. Don’t get me wrong; throughout those years I had grandioso ideas. Ideas that if I followed through one of them I would be above Oprah on the Forbes “Most Successful People” list.

Through this last week I have rollercoastered my way through each day. Thinking to myself why did it have to come to this. Why couldn’t I see the road in front of me? Why couldn’t I just for once take a leap of faith and trust?

Now if you are still reading this I ask that you please sit down because what I am about to drop may drop you like a little leaguer catcher drops his first foul ball…..I have found God. Yes it’s true! I have tried numerous times to change my ways but have continued to fall short. I have been given so many chances from my wife to change that I lost count. Don’t get me wrong I would change. I would change for a week maybe a month but then I would go back to my negative ways sucking the life out of the one person I hold most dear to my heart.

As you are reading this please (and Gail this pertains most to you) don’t think that I am writing these words to try to convince my wife that I have changed. That is a work in progress. I am writing these with the hope that anyone who reads this may read something that will help them. Help them to be a better person, husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter or friend.

As I take this journey of finding myself I want to share it with you for the “sou”l purpose of hoping that it may help one of you reading this.

I cannot take this journey alone so that is why I have asked God to come into my life. I am not trying to “trick” God into thinking that MAYBE if I write good things about him he will restore our marriage and my life will be all fun and games. Trust me every day I have doubts. Everyday I struggle to put my entire trust and faith with him.

I am by no means someone who is an authority on God. I didn’t take a “crash” course in Godism. In fact I do not know him all that well. I have just met him and I am trying to get to know him. Trying to hang out with him and talk about life. I get mad at him at times because I asked him to restore my marriage today and it didn’t happen. I asked him to bring Gail through that door everyday to come back home and she hasn’t. I also get angry when people say “everything happens for a reason” or “God has a plan for you.” Really is that plan putting me through hell and back….STOP! That negativity is what got me here in the first place. Maybe the man upstairs does have a plan for me. Maybe because of that fact that I didn’t listen to him the last 20 something years he finally got fed up with me and took me by the scuff of my neck and shook me to the core to open my eyes.

It is not going to be an easy journey. I looked at the road map (I googled the percentages of marriages that are restored after separation and the odds are stacked against me). I do have one thing in my favor. G-O-D…..

I am not by any means turning into a “Jesus Freak” but I mention him a lot in this particular writing because I want to let you know that I am not taking this journey alone. I am taking it with someone I should have brought along a l-o-n-g time ago.

I don’t know what the future holds but I have one thing that no one can take away. HOPE. I can hold out hope as I take this journey in finding out who I am and who I can become.

Now that I have found God I talk to him at this point every 5 minutes. I think sometimes that he has caller ID and is not taking my calls because I call on him so much lately. I am like that one person you know, maybe a relative who only calls you when he or she needs something. But then again he IS God and I am guessing that he could see through me considering he did put me together.

I am scared and excited at the same time. Scared at the fact that I don’t see the woman who gave me her heart at one time only to have it smashed by me. I am excited at the fact that everyday now brings something new. Excited that one day  Gail WILL walk through that door, forgive me, see the man I HAVE become and our love will be stronger than ever. I know that sounds cliché but it’s the best I have at this point.

I just finished reading a really good book called “FIREPROOF.” I suggest that whether your marriage or relationship is all fun and games or hanging by the smallest thread like mine, pick up a copy and read it. Have your significant other or the one you hold closest to your heart read also read it. Also you may want to pick up a Bible if you don’t have one. I got mine at Wal-Mart….Yes Wal-Mart.

This journey I am on is not going to be over in 6 months. I have come to a realization that it IS a life long journey.

I hope that something I wrote today may have sparked something in you to not take the person you love for granted. I warn you if you do, they may not be there in the morning.

Love,

Jim