the journey continues
Well the hits keep coming. Got some more bad news today!
When it rains it pours. I prefer not to share the news as of yet but I am
confident that when one door closes another opens. Okay not really but it is
something to hold onto.
One thing I have to say is that I didn’t realize how many
friends I really do have. For the longest time I thought I had no friends. But
friends are like termites; they come out of the wood work when things are
stirred up.
I am not going to lie and say that things are all rosy. It
was a hard day today. But that is why I have God. He is the one I can go to and
ask WTF man! He is listening but just like I used to do with my wife I feel
like he is just nodding right now. He has certainly thrown a few screwballs in
my direction especially today.
Today as I said above, I was hit with more bad news. Just
when I was actually able to get out of bed before the alarm and get moving BAM!
The old Jim would have crawled back into bed, pulled the covers over my head and
said “why me…..AGAIN.” But guess what….Some guy with a long white beard pulled
me out of bed and told me to march on soldier…..march on….There are people out
there that have it a lot worse than you and he is right (am I supposed to
capitalize “he”….Well if that is the worst thing that I do from this point on I
think I am doing pretty good). Today I could have been extremely negative and
cynical but something in my heart said don’t do it. You are better than that.
Now again I am by NO means an expert on relationships (God
knows, look at mine, falling apart at the seams) but hopefully if you read this
you will get something out of it and it may save your relationship.
Yesterday after attending church I came home and set out to
do things around the house. Well was I in for a surprise. I didn’t finish until
12:30am and I still had things left over to do this morning when I got up. I am
not going to go into detail of what I did because if I do you WILL stop reading
because I am sure you are not interested in me cleaning the toilet(s). But I do
want to share something with you and its something I call “The Little Things.”
After I was done cleaning, against my psychologist’s advice I sent my wife an
email. An email telling her how sorry I was for not picking up the slack around
here. I told her how sorry I was that I didn’t pitch in and help all these
years. I told her I had no idea how hard it must have been to work, come home,
clean, cook, laundry, dishes, take care of the animals etc while I laid on the
couch watching re-runs of Seinfeld that I had seen a million times before. I
told her that I didn’t realize why she didn’t want to do anything until I
walked 5 feet in her shoes. I had no idea how much this woman did and I only
did it for a day, I couldn’t imagine doing it for all these years alone. If
anything I have gained a new respect for her and that it would NEVER happen
again. I would NEVER let. I am surprised that she didn’t walk out the door much
earlier. Words cannot describe how bad I felt yesterday after finally getting
in to bed exhausted from the “daily” chores. I felt horrible and still do but
in all that I learned that marriage is not supposed to be ONE. It IS TWO.
The Little Things
Don’t wait to be asked to do something. Look around and do it.
Find something that needs repair or that needs to be taken care of. For example
when hurricane IKE rolled through here in 2008 we had some water damage by our
sliding glass door leading out to the back porch. Yup 2008 and it still wasn’t
fixed. Not fixed because I looked at it everyday but didn’t see it. Not fixed
because I was afraid to attempt to fix it because I was afraid I couldn’t do it
and would fail. I didn’t fix it because I thought if I would attempt to fix it
I would make it worse when my temper got the best of me. Lots of reason why not
to do it. Why should I the “Sponge Worthy” episode was on Seinfeld and I hadn’t
seen that one in about a week. So as I was walking through the house I looked
at it and stopped. I stared at it and cursed it because it was there. Where you
the reason Gail left? It seemed to come alive and laugh at me. So instead of
continuing to walk by I grabbed my wallet and keys and headed to Home Depot
determined to cover this hole that was
smiling at me with rotted wooden teeth. I went to Home Depot and found an
employee and explained to him my situation. That I had a hole that needed to be
fixed and that I never did anything like this in my life. I told him I wanted
to prove to myself I could do it. We grabbed a cart and he walked up the
various isles with me showing me what I needed while explaining to me how to
fix it. I came home more determined than ever. It was late but I didn’t care.
The old Jim would have said “Okay I have the pieces parts now I can go back on
the couch and watch Seinfeld and get to it tomorrow.” Hey it was late and that
was a perfect excuse for not doing it. Hell I went to Home Depot and got the
parts. Anyway Gail who was the handy one of the house would fix it when she got
home from work or maybe this weekend while I laid on the couch watching “Red
Dawn” for the 1000th time. Maybe there was an 80’s movie on too!
Well that idea flew right out the door because I was determine to do this on my
own and Gail wasn’t here and she wasn’t coming back anytime soon. So I took a
deep breath and began pulling off the old wood and drywall. I could have swore
I heard it taunting me while I was doing it. I pressed on! Little by little I
pulled off all the old drywall and old wood. I sat back almost with a sense of
victory but that was short lived. A little voice in my head said now what….You
don’t have a clue young fella, good luck with this mess. Again if this was the
only mess I got into this day I was doing good. Several hours later I took a
step back and there it was in all its glory….A covered hole. And if I might say
so it looked good. As I sat there I began admiring my handy work. If I was
double jointed I would have patted myself on the back for about an hour. But a
little voice inside of me that sounded a lot like Gail said “REALLY”
congratulations you did something…..For once. After cleaning it up I have to
say it felt good. It felt good because I followed through on something. I
finished what I started and I did it on my own. The next morning I woke up and
did the same thing in the kitchen where we had another spot of water damage.
Fixed and looks good. My point is this. If you see something that you don’t
think you can do don’t just walk around it; walk through it. Do it because you
might be surprised at the outcome.
Negativity
Negativity is the worst enemy a person can have. I didn’t
realize this until I went on Facebook and deleted all of my posts. As I was
deleting them I said to myself “don’t read them just delete them” but like
stopping to see an accident I had to. Four hours later I was done. WOW was I
negative. I couldn’t believe some of the stuff I wrote. I am shaking my head in
disbelief as I am typing this. Don’t get me wrong I laughed at a few but not
that many. Now I am not saying that I am all of a sudden a “goody two shoes” I
still have a sarcastic bone or two in my body, that’s who I am. What I am
saying is there is a difference between sarcasm and negativity. My wife is one
of the most sarcastic people you’ll ever know but she doesn’t have a negative
bone in her body and I admire her for that. With my latest set back,
separation, putting a dog to sleep the other day etc the old Jim would have
been cynical, negative and angry. Now its become a challenge. I will not let
negativity into my life anymore. If someone wants to cut me off in traffic,
FINE – that’s your problem not mine. How do I know he isn’t going to be the
person who gets a flat instead of me because he ran over that nail before me?
Don’t be negative how bad it gets. As much as it kills me to say this and
eventually accept it…yes EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON. And after today I
have accepted it. What can I do? I cannot change the actions of others but I
can change my reaction.
As I mentioned above, I never realized how many friends I
really do have. As a matter of fact I want to share with you something a friend
of mine sent me via text. I grew up with this guy and hadn’t seen or spoken to
him in 30 something years. We connected a few years back via Facebook. He has
been a true friend throughout all these years. Just because you don’t talk
doesn’t mean you are not still friends. Friends are for life, good or bad.
He sent me this when I asked him if he thought there was
hope for Gail and I after I explained the situation to him. I have been reading
this over and over.
There is always hope. Hope is a good thing to have. You need
to prove you have changed by not wallowing in self-pity, but show strength and
resolve to move forward with or without her. You don’t want somebody back because
they think you can’t go on without them. You can and will go on, and your life
is worth living to the fullest. That’s the strength that God and Faith gives
you. I always use this example – “Do you ever notice how people that worship
and pray have nothing and their lives are filled with nothing and their lives
are filled with tragedies? God doesn’t just grant wishes, he’s not a genie.
Your faith and strength help you achieve things, not sitting around waiting for
it to happen. That’s where the saying “God helps those who help themselves”
comes from. It’s not sit and pray and God will take care of it all.”
I am overwhelmed by the kind words and messages of strength
that I have been sent. I am truly blessed to have an amazing group of people in
my life. All of you matter but there is one of you out there that means more
than anyone to me and I think you know who you are. I love you!
Love
Jim
"It ain't easy having pals."
ReplyDelete