A Short Story

An officer pulls over a man who has crossed the white line a few times. The officer askes the man for his drivers license, registration and insurance. As the man is handing it to the officer he asks him "why are you pulling me over" in which the officer replies "you crossed the white line line a few times". The driver replies "I'm sorry I was listening to the "Classic Rock Station" and thinking about the past I apologize I may have got unfocused a few times, I am sorry and I promise it will not happen again. The officer leans into the car and asked the driver if he was drinking. The driver replied "no sir I have not been drinking" the officer said then why are your eyes so red. The man in the car says "allergies". The officer replies "really I dont think so, why are your eyes so red sir", the driver replied "I was crying" the officer says "crying , why? What is wrong?". The driver said with with a tear rolling down his cheek that he is going through a divorce after 20 something years of marriage". The officer replies "step out of the car sir" and the officer gave him a hug and held him for a minute and said "It will be ok, I am living proof...He then turned and walked back to his car, turned around and said, "Keep the Faith" you'll be okay, I promise."

A Wise Girl

A Wise Girl

All of my blogs have been about my depression sadness and hurt. This blog is not one of those. This blog is about a wise young girl.

The couple across the street from me, I would say early 60’s, are truly two people who are in love. You can feel the love come off of them when you see them together.

I had just arrived in Houston, got in the house put my bags down, petted the dogs and decided in needed to test myself.

Just then my daughter Rachel came home and we hugged and started to chat. During our chat Rachel told me that I had to promise to her that I would try to be happy all this weekend and to not get sad or emotional. We “pinky promised” on it.

We were off to the grocery store to pick up a cake and candles for Jackys 21^st birthday. On the way  she told me that the man from across the street has cancer of the stomach and they couldn’t operate and they didn’t know how bad it was. (this by the way is one of the kindest person you would ever know). I asked her how she found out and she said she was talking to his wife the other day. Rachel told her “see Robert only got better because he wanted to be home with you.” As they were talking she told Rachel that Robert, her husband, had to have a bag to go to the bathroom. She said that he didn’t care as long as he was alive he was happy.

On the way to the store Rachel and I were stopped at a red light. I told her that her task was to teach me how to be happy. She said “Dad I already told you….no one can teach you to be happy. She went on and said look at Robert he is very sick but he is still happy”.

As we got into the parking lot I decided to test myself. I decided that I would do three things that would hurt me emotionally. Three things that would bring up past memories. I needed to test myself because of the promise I made Rachel. To try and be happy and not emotional all this weekend.

As I started my mental tests I felt the emotions come on and I thought of Robert and they went away. The second test my pain felt stronger and deeper and again I thought of Robert but I felt the emotions coming on more and more and felt I was going to lose it. But I didn’t I held my ground. I remembered what Rachel had told me The third test was one that I knew was going to be tough emotionally. I knew that this was something I had been putting off doing for a long time because it was so emotional. So I began the process and I have to tell you I felt it deep in my heart, I felt as though I was going to really lose it and felt the tears coming to my eyes but I stopped and thought of Robert my neighbor and what Rachel told me and made me promise.. It worked; I did what many have told me to do. Take it moment by moment. Slowly,  tt was not going to be easy. You will take two steps forward and 10 back. But one day by the grace of God I will be taking 10 steps forward and two back. I have to live each day moment by moment just like Robert from across the street.

Like a wise girl told me not long ago, no one can teach you to be happy, only you can be happy.

Does Time Really Heal Wouonds?

It has been a while since I have written due to the fact that I have had no motivation. I am tired both emotionally and physically from the rollercoaster of emotions that I have been feeling. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t cried in the last 6 months

This is very hard to admit but about a month ago I tried taking my own life because I could not handle the emotional stress that I have been going through.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself “why” did this happen.

Right now my life is filled with loneliness, pain, fear and heartbreak.

I am having a very hard time letting go of all the memories and events of the past 25 years.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be sitting across a huge conference table with Gail and a total stranger having to sign a piece of paper that says I am no longer loved by the woman I love to this day and always will.

I never realized what loneliness was until now. I am the type of person who needs to be around people to survive. I need the companionship of someone that I can call or talk to about my day and share my daily experiences.

I feel emptiness in my chest where my heart used to be. I thought that this would get easier as time goes by but it hasn’t.

I have gotten a lot of advice from people telling me to write and act happy as if nothing was wrong but I cannot. This is the true me right now.

Every morning when I look in the mirror I do not recognize the person who is looking back at me. I am looking at a total stranger.

Right now I am on the edge of my threshold of pain and hurt. I have been talking to people to help me get through this but all I hear is white noise. Nothing sinks in.

I have been on my knees every morning and every night asking God to help me through this. To show me something but at times I feel as though my words are just floating in the air somewhere. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to get through this.

I have spent many minutes, hours, days and months lying in bed an emotional wreck.

There have been certain events that have happen that have triggered some major emotional outbreaks from me and I am at the point where I am unable to cope with things.

I have been seeing counselors, psycharitists, pastoral care ministers and nothing seems to stick. I am constantly walking around in a fog. There are times when people talk to me and I have no idea what they are saying. My mind is so out of focus I do not know what to do.

I am scared that these feelings will never go away. I am trying with all my heart and soul to move on but all I see is memories. I hate going to sleep because all of my dreams are filled with once was.

I am hurt because Gail has moved on and is living to what seems to me a great happy life doing things that we once did but with someone else.

My pain runs deep and as each day goes by the pain gets deeper and deeper. I wish I could just wake up one morning and roll over and see Gail and thank God that it was just a nightmare

The thing I miss most of all things is Saturday morning shopping with Gail. I thought we used to have such a good time.

For me it is extremely painful going from talking and seeing someone for the last 25 years to nothing. Yes there is an occasionally email but it is all business

I am truly heartbroken and I am not sure if I will ever get over this. I have forgotten how to smile and laugh.

I really wish that God would answer my prayers just so I can feel joy and happiness for one minute, than one hour, than one day.

I have been told that time heals all wounds but I do not know how much more time I have to deal with this.

Some of you may know the pain that I am feeling and some of you may not. For those of you who have never felt this type of pain I pray that you never ever have to feel this or have to go through it.

I have been told on several occasions it is easier to deal with the death of a loved one than a broken relationship.

I can tell you that I have changed my outlook on things. I no longer am negative which may sound like a contradiction because of what I have written above but I try everyday to find one positive thing in my life.

I really do try to empty my heart of guilt but it is very hard. I know that deep down I am a good person who would never intend to hurt anyone.

I miss my family so much that it  pains me to look at their pictures on my desk. There are times that I have to turn them around because I miss them so much.

I miss the company of someone that I truly love and will for the rest of my life. I will never have anger or hate towards Gail ever in my life.

Many of you reading this may say that I need to man up and trust me I have tried but this pain runs so deep that it is very hard to forget.

I am trying to move on but it seems that each day I take a step forward I hear something or see something that takes me back 10 steps.

This pain is one that cannot be explained. The non-stop hurt and emotional rollercoaster is something that I would never wish on anyone.

Yes, some may say that I am extremely out of my mind but one day I truly with all my heart hope that we can reconcile and start over because I have  nothing but love in my heart for Gail and a lot of new ways of doing things and handling things.

I miss you Gail with all my heart. I know that you do not read these but I just want to put it out into the universe that I love you and miss you and one day I would like to get together to make you laugh  just one more time so I can see your eyes glimmer as your beautiful smile takes over your face.

Thankful

Thankful

When you start to complain think of what you are grateful for and all you have. Your list should never stop. When in conversations with other people and you hear the negative or complaining remind them of everything they do have.

1. All my body parts eyesight, hearing, limbs etc.

2. Have a job

3. Place to live at

4. Bed to sleep in.

5. Ac in home, vehicle and work.

6. If unemployed still can get unemployed benefits.

7. People who love you and great friends and family.

8. Fresh water to drink and food to eat.

9. Vehicle to get around in, instead of taking the bus or walking miles and miles.

10. In the most blessed country to live in instead of a country that is in war or divided like many other countries.

11. Do not live in fear in going to work or sleeping in your home like many countries where people are in constant fear.

12. Churches in every corner where you can freely worship without being persecuted or thrown in jail.

13. Having couches, more than 1 T.V. and other accessories where most people do not have.

14. Access to the best medical care in the world.

15. The freedom to vote and have free speech.

16. The freedom to give to the needy and less fortunate.

17. For all the people in your lives that have made a profound impact in your life.

18. Having a stove, fridge, shower etc. Things billions of people do not have.

19. Having money in my account, wallet or change holder in my vehicle.

20. People who steer me or encourage me in the right direction or wise counsel.

This is just a few things I remind myself of what I have when I think I might complain.

Don't Should On Yourself

your feelings determine your actions. if you want to change your life you have to control the way you think

when you put yourself down who are you really putting down ? when you say I'm fat I'm dumb I'm no good I have no talent you're really pointing to the creator who made you. when you say god I'm worthless I'm no good I can't do anything you're saying god you blew it with me .

fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right .

focus on who god wants you to be and what god wants you to do in your life .

find a verse that speaks to you write it down on a card memorize it and then off for mid back to god .

father thank you that I'm valuable I am significant I am forgivable I am capable let god renew your mind because your life is shaped by your thoughts

when we face lights hertz habits and hang ups it's important that we walk out of self condemnation and into the faithful confidence that god forgives us .

guilt destroys your confidence .

don't should on yourself

Etched In My Mind Forever

Today there was a moment in time that will be etched in my mind forever. It was the moment I looked across a conference table and saw a woman who looked like the day I met her. the biggest hurt I have right now is that a total stranger has to make us sign papers saying that we no longer are together. A piece of paper that says that we no longer love each other.

I can honestly say I never thought this day came.

Last night as I was reading over and over the final documents I finally realized (in my opinion) why Gail did what she did.

Since Gail was a teenager she always had someone depend on her. She was always the person who people needed and looked to for guidance. She was the rock. She was always dependended on for 30 something years. Finally she got tired and shut down. She lost her identity. And up until now I never realized what that meant but now I do.

To lose your idenity is one of the most devestating things that can happen to a person. You shut down and you become a shell.

Through this I have also learned that I was a selfish person. Selfish not in a bad way. A way that I didnt know was selfish.

For example if I were to run an errand I would ask Gail to go. Sometimes she said she was busy doing housework, tired or doing paper work. I would get angry for selfish reasons. I would think that she didnt want to be with me and it was all about me. I didnt know I was doing this until recently. I should have understood and realized that she had something to do. Not that it was more important than coming with me, just something that HAD to get done. Instead of pouting I should have realized in my mind that its not about me. Its about life.

I have learned more about myself and more about Gail in these last few months than i have in the last 22 years.

As painful as this is for me to admit, we both needed this. We both lost our identity. Through no fault of our own, it just happen. Sure I can list of reasons WHY I think we lost our identities but it happen and there is nothing I can do to change that.

I do want to say that Gail handled the divorce settlement with the upmost respect for me and was there for me.

Yes looking across that conferance table at a woman i love with all my heart knowing in a matter of seconds I would be signing a piece of paper saying "we are no longer married" hurt and will hurt for a long time.

However I am looking forward to a brand new relationship with Gail as a friend. I look forward to laughing together and just talking one day. Who knows maybe one day we will take a trip to wal-mart together on a saturday morning at 8:00am.

To my new friend Gail, I love you with all my heart and may God Bless you

"Press on, fight the good fight cause the pain your feeling is just the dark before the morning" - Josh Wilson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfWAG-bnttQ


My friend Melanie sent me this song and told me to listen to the lyrics, so I did and i want to share them with you


Jonny Diaz - Scars lyrics

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C5avBGmFjJo


She holds for dear life to the ends of the sleeves in her hands,
 Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen,
 And the sting of the blade is no match for the pain of the loneliness she's going through,
 But we've all been there too.

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds, and they soften our hearts.
 They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
 So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

You can still see the mark on his hand where there once was a ring
 He watched decades of history dissolve when she wanted to leave
 And the hole that it left there inside of his chest
 Is a canyon a thousand miles deep
 We all know how that feels.

Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds, and soften our hearts.
 They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
 So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars

There once was a King who so burdened with grief
 Walked into death so that we could find peace
 He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
 By them we are healed, by them we are healed.

So praise God we don't have to hide scars
 Yeah we know his are covering ours
 Praise God we don't have to hide scars
 They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
 They remind us of who we have been, but not who we are
 So Praise God we don't have to hide scars.

More to share

Every day I learn more about myself. I have been doing a lot of reading and deep deep soul searching. As I do this I take lots of notes to look back at and to share with others with the hopes that something I write may inspire you.

Never waste time waiting for something to happen. Take advantage of the opportunities God gives us to recover

Trust in God as small children trust in us

Know that you are powerless to change on your own. I have failed many times by trying to participate in what I thought, were the right activities and behaviors. You cannot change from the outside in

My needs are never greater than God’s supply

Someday I will be changed. I am struggling with dependency, in despair about my devastated life. But during this time I try to reflect on who I will become if I entrust my life to God.

I have swallowed my pride and admitted my mistakes

God may lead us into some tough times and experiences but as painful as they may be, we can be assured that he has our best in mind. We can also be sure that He will stand with us throughout the process

Anger expressed in selfish or harmful ways will always stand in our way to becoming the true person we are meant to be.

We may experience opposition when God begins to change us. Friends and family may feel threatened by the changes and try to stop us, if we experience opposition from co-dependants, we should be never surprised nor discouraged. We should continue trusting God to change us so we can help our family and friends.

Our faith in God and commitment to change often receives the criticism of others. Sometimes friends and family have a hard time believing we are sincere from our past behaviors. We can be sure that no matter what others may say or think God is pleased with the steps we are taking. If we persevere, we will discover that others will someday praise our efforts too.

Denial will never help things; it will only lead to greater suffering and devastation. We should act right away and heed the warning we receive. If we don’t we are headed for even greater trouble.

God is always talking to us especially when we are headed to self destruction. God sends us signals but we tend to ignore them and believe we can do just fine without him. So as we are heading for a path of self-destruction something drastic was/is needed to shake us up. He may send a catastrophe or event to get us back on the right track. Continuing on our present path will only lead to our self destruction.

These last events which took place in my life have shown me and have given me back self respect, honor and righteousness. Developing these qualities and through the events taking place in my life right now has made me face up to and dealing with my own inadequacies, dysfunctions and compulsive behaviors. Facing up to these was and is not easy nor painless

Through this journey I have learned that God provides us with all we need for a fruitful, functional life, but when we (I) rejected Him and abandoned His way; my life (our life) becomes unmanageable, unfruitful and dysfunctional. If I (we) want a normal, healthy life, I (we) can ask God for his aid and turn our life over to him. With God’s help, our life will someday bear “sweet grapes”