A Wise Girl

A Wise Girl

All of my blogs have been about my depression sadness and hurt. This blog is not one of those. This blog is about a wise young girl.

The couple across the street from me, I would say early 60’s, are truly two people who are in love. You can feel the love come off of them when you see them together.

I had just arrived in Houston, got in the house put my bags down, petted the dogs and decided in needed to test myself.

Just then my daughter Rachel came home and we hugged and started to chat. During our chat Rachel told me that I had to promise to her that I would try to be happy all this weekend and to not get sad or emotional. We “pinky promised” on it.

We were off to the grocery store to pick up a cake and candles for Jackys 21^st birthday. On the way  she told me that the man from across the street has cancer of the stomach and they couldn’t operate and they didn’t know how bad it was. (this by the way is one of the kindest person you would ever know). I asked her how she found out and she said she was talking to his wife the other day. Rachel told her “see Robert only got better because he wanted to be home with you.” As they were talking she told Rachel that Robert, her husband, had to have a bag to go to the bathroom. She said that he didn’t care as long as he was alive he was happy.

On the way to the store Rachel and I were stopped at a red light. I told her that her task was to teach me how to be happy. She said “Dad I already told you….no one can teach you to be happy. She went on and said look at Robert he is very sick but he is still happy”.

As we got into the parking lot I decided to test myself. I decided that I would do three things that would hurt me emotionally. Three things that would bring up past memories. I needed to test myself because of the promise I made Rachel. To try and be happy and not emotional all this weekend.

As I started my mental tests I felt the emotions come on and I thought of Robert and they went away. The second test my pain felt stronger and deeper and again I thought of Robert but I felt the emotions coming on more and more and felt I was going to lose it. But I didn’t I held my ground. I remembered what Rachel had told me The third test was one that I knew was going to be tough emotionally. I knew that this was something I had been putting off doing for a long time because it was so emotional. So I began the process and I have to tell you I felt it deep in my heart, I felt as though I was going to really lose it and felt the tears coming to my eyes but I stopped and thought of Robert my neighbor and what Rachel told me and made me promise.. It worked; I did what many have told me to do. Take it moment by moment. Slowly,  tt was not going to be easy. You will take two steps forward and 10 back. But one day by the grace of God I will be taking 10 steps forward and two back. I have to live each day moment by moment just like Robert from across the street.

Like a wise girl told me not long ago, no one can teach you to be happy, only you can be happy.

Does Time Really Heal Wouonds?

It has been a while since I have written due to the fact that I have had no motivation. I am tired both emotionally and physically from the rollercoaster of emotions that I have been feeling. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t cried in the last 6 months

This is very hard to admit but about a month ago I tried taking my own life because I could not handle the emotional stress that I have been going through.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t ask myself “why” did this happen.

Right now my life is filled with loneliness, pain, fear and heartbreak.

I am having a very hard time letting go of all the memories and events of the past 25 years.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be sitting across a huge conference table with Gail and a total stranger having to sign a piece of paper that says I am no longer loved by the woman I love to this day and always will.

I never realized what loneliness was until now. I am the type of person who needs to be around people to survive. I need the companionship of someone that I can call or talk to about my day and share my daily experiences.

I feel emptiness in my chest where my heart used to be. I thought that this would get easier as time goes by but it hasn’t.

I have gotten a lot of advice from people telling me to write and act happy as if nothing was wrong but I cannot. This is the true me right now.

Every morning when I look in the mirror I do not recognize the person who is looking back at me. I am looking at a total stranger.

Right now I am on the edge of my threshold of pain and hurt. I have been talking to people to help me get through this but all I hear is white noise. Nothing sinks in.

I have been on my knees every morning and every night asking God to help me through this. To show me something but at times I feel as though my words are just floating in the air somewhere. I pray for strength, wisdom and courage to get through this.

I have spent many minutes, hours, days and months lying in bed an emotional wreck.

There have been certain events that have happen that have triggered some major emotional outbreaks from me and I am at the point where I am unable to cope with things.

I have been seeing counselors, psycharitists, pastoral care ministers and nothing seems to stick. I am constantly walking around in a fog. There are times when people talk to me and I have no idea what they are saying. My mind is so out of focus I do not know what to do.

I am scared that these feelings will never go away. I am trying with all my heart and soul to move on but all I see is memories. I hate going to sleep because all of my dreams are filled with once was.

I am hurt because Gail has moved on and is living to what seems to me a great happy life doing things that we once did but with someone else.

My pain runs deep and as each day goes by the pain gets deeper and deeper. I wish I could just wake up one morning and roll over and see Gail and thank God that it was just a nightmare

The thing I miss most of all things is Saturday morning shopping with Gail. I thought we used to have such a good time.

For me it is extremely painful going from talking and seeing someone for the last 25 years to nothing. Yes there is an occasionally email but it is all business

I am truly heartbroken and I am not sure if I will ever get over this. I have forgotten how to smile and laugh.

I really wish that God would answer my prayers just so I can feel joy and happiness for one minute, than one hour, than one day.

I have been told that time heals all wounds but I do not know how much more time I have to deal with this.

Some of you may know the pain that I am feeling and some of you may not. For those of you who have never felt this type of pain I pray that you never ever have to feel this or have to go through it.

I have been told on several occasions it is easier to deal with the death of a loved one than a broken relationship.

I can tell you that I have changed my outlook on things. I no longer am negative which may sound like a contradiction because of what I have written above but I try everyday to find one positive thing in my life.

I really do try to empty my heart of guilt but it is very hard. I know that deep down I am a good person who would never intend to hurt anyone.

I miss my family so much that it  pains me to look at their pictures on my desk. There are times that I have to turn them around because I miss them so much.

I miss the company of someone that I truly love and will for the rest of my life. I will never have anger or hate towards Gail ever in my life.

Many of you reading this may say that I need to man up and trust me I have tried but this pain runs so deep that it is very hard to forget.

I am trying to move on but it seems that each day I take a step forward I hear something or see something that takes me back 10 steps.

This pain is one that cannot be explained. The non-stop hurt and emotional rollercoaster is something that I would never wish on anyone.

Yes, some may say that I am extremely out of my mind but one day I truly with all my heart hope that we can reconcile and start over because I have  nothing but love in my heart for Gail and a lot of new ways of doing things and handling things.

I miss you Gail with all my heart. I know that you do not read these but I just want to put it out into the universe that I love you and miss you and one day I would like to get together to make you laugh  just one more time so I can see your eyes glimmer as your beautiful smile takes over your face.